Are You Femme Enough?

Welcome to Hotel Satire—where traditional values inhabit our tastefully decorated rooms, where the enterprise is free for those with the right background and breeding, where dad is in command, the kids are at his feet, mom is in the kitchen, lesbos are in jail, commies have all joined the Russian Mafia, and everyone is praying for Armageddon to come, and soon, so we can start over and get it right this time.

People, and you gals. Summer is coming. A time when all good gals contemplate what they will look like in shorts and bikinis, and ask that age old question (as depicted in the Vogue ad below): "Are you femme enough?" The answer is: No, you're not. Let’s examine the following:

First off, a reader sent me a shocking April Discover magazine article "New Women of the Ice Age," by Heather Pringle. It claims that new studies show that the cave gals of Ice Age Europe were not mere cavewives but "priestly leaders, clever inventors, and mighty hunters."

Bad enough that people are actually studying gals, in any era, but the article also suggests that cave guys were not the mighty hunters we’ve always thought them to be. It seems that cave guys weren’t necessarily killing mighty beasts, singlehandedly, with spears. They were just waiting at watering holes for the beasts to die and then scavenging them for food and bones, etc. While the caveguys were scavenging, cavegals were bringing in 70 percent of the caloric intake, using nets to catch their prey. This new knowledge that Ice Age gals were both hunters and gatherers, i.e., lesbians, is sure to increase today’s gals lack of femmeness.

Second, check out the ad from Cosmo (above) depicting what the first female president will be wearing on the campaign trail. Sure she’s got on a simple black femme dress and a femme pearl necklace and earrings, with the underarms nicely shaved, and a femme deodorant that’s "shower fresh" and "invisible dry." But what the heck is that gal doing trying to "leave her mark on the world, not on her skin?" This is no femme.

Third, have you heard about the "Bandit Queen," Phoolan Devi? Check this out. She was a poor villager in India who was assaulted by her husband at age 11 and then gang-raped repeatedly by higher-caste men and even police. She retaliated by forming a group of male bandits who stole from upper castes while leaving gals and children alone. She road horseback in khaki fatigues, no less, toting a double-barreled shotgun and wearing her signature red scarf. She allegedly ordered 20 of her rapists killed. After two years she surrendered and spent 11 years in jail, until a new government freed her in 1994. A heroine to many, she was elected to Parliament in 1996. She says, "This is nice, being in society. But I felt more powerful then, when I was a bandit. Sometimes I think I shouldn’t have surrendered."

Can this be tolerated? Sure she used men to do the robbing and killing, which is somewhat femme. But robbing rich people wearing khaki fatigues? Clearly, not even femme, let alone enough.

Fourth, take the Wendt divorce case. Have you heard of this? A corporate wife, Lorna Wendt, demanded $50 million in a divorce suit against her husband, Gary Wendt, claiming she contributed to a 50-50 partnership—giving her husband advice, hostessing lavish parties, and making small talk with foreign dignitaries. Gary claimed the family fortune came from his 21 years of hard work at GE, not his wife’s housekeeping. In the settlement, Lorna didn’t get the $50 million but she did get more than $15 million in cash and real estate, plus alimony of $250,000 per year, indefinitely. This is a shocking precedent.

Sure, Lorna was femme for a while—arranging the parties and making small talk. Yes, she was femme enough to be financially dependent on a man. But once she was no longer his wife, she shouldn’t get anything. Why? Because he’s gonna have to pay someone else to provide the services Lorna used to do for free. It’s gonna get expensive. Because it’s not femme to be financially independent. Or to raise a national debate on the heart of married life, as Paul Barrett writes in the Wall Street Journal (December 4, 1997): "Is marriage an economic as well as an emotional partnership? What is the value of staying home with the kids? What obligation do wives have to promote their husband’s careers?"

Fifth, check out this shocking statistic from somewhere on the Internet: "The average American woman weighs 144 pounds and wears between a size 12 and size 14." This is distressingly unfemme.

Gals, you need to ask, "What will it take to be femme enough? Well, we’ve already touched on a few no no’s: No hunting when you should be gathering; No clever inventing when you should be sitting in the cave whipping up a hungry man meal for your cave guy; No running for president, much less getting elected—it causes unsightly perspiration marks; No making a mark on the world; No khaki fatigues, toting of guns, or retaliation for anything a man may do to you; No claiming rights to your hubby’s hard-earned cash regardless of the quantity of services you perform for him. He’s working hard, you're doing it for love and the chance to shop.

Gals, let’s face it, in answer to the question, "How can I be femme enough?" the answer has to be, "You can never be femme enough." But you can come close. Here’s how. First, wear something pink at all times. The gal in the Vogue ad is wearing a nice pink suit, and she’s very femme. Next get thinner—105 pounds is the only weight that is truly femme enough. Then, arm yourself. Not with a gun, but with your weakness (see ad below). A single strand of pearls and some nice pearl earrings would have done wonders on that bandit queen. Also, never do anything to make you glisten, perspire, or sweat—like running for president, or taking your hubbies hard-earned millions. But just in case, use a nice lady-like deodorant, okay?

Thin, weak, sweat- less, and wearing pink— that’s just about femme enough.