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February 2007

Volume , Number 0
Activism

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Culture

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Features

Memorial
Aaron St. jean


Electoral Politics
Paul Street


MediaBeat
Norman Solomon


Interview
Gabriel matthew Schivone


Hotel Satire
Lydia Sargent


Nuclear Power Not Clean, Green, …
Sherwood Ross


Economy
Jack Rasmus


Green Tide
Anne Petermann


Fog Watch
Edward Herman


Collective Challenges
Chris Heneghan


Foreign Policy
A.k. Gupta


Labor Notes
Tiffany Ten eyck


Z Papers on Strategy
Eric Dirnbach


Global Politics
Nick Dearden


Crisis Management
Nicolas J.S. Davies


Gay & Lesbian Community Notes
Michael Bronski


Conservative Watch
Bill Berkowitz


Global Justice
Hans Bennett


Zaps

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Armed, Cleavaged, and Legal

By Lydia Sargent
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February 2007
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W elcome to Hotel Satire where gals come to learn how to be men’s decorative appendages—as dictated by God in the Bible, uh, somewhere. There has been some exciting news recently to help gals increase their decorativeness. No, we’re not talking about the beauteous holiday season, although it’s always good for gals to celebrate “unto us a SON is born and he shall be called fantastic, etc.” And about peace on earth goodwill to MEN-only while gals function as receptacles. 

And we’re not talking about the exciting fall/winter college and professional Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday night football games, although it’s always good for a nation to see men running, kicking, and smashing each other while gals cheer and pose as sexually available decorations.  

We’re also not talking about Bush’s proposed troop increase or the fact that the U.S. military is contemplating recruiting non-citizens to fight for America, with citizenship promised in return. In an article “Military Considers Recruiting Foreigners” from the December 28 Boston Globe , staffer Bryan Bender writes, “The armed forces, already struggling to meet recruiting goals, are considering expanding the number of non-citizens in the ranks—including disputed proposals to open recruiting stations overseas and putting more immigrants on a faster track to US citizenship if they volunteer—according to Pentagon officials.” 

The article notes that there are precedents for the use of non-citizens—the Revolutionary War; for example German and French soldiers served alongside the colonists. Hmm. Wasn’t everybody pretty much a non-citizen/foreign-born back in the 1700s? But we digress. 

At first the non-citizen recruitment thingie seemed confusing to us gals with our pea-sized brains and all. Why was the U.S. government kicking these immigrant types (i.e., inferiors) out and/or arresting them if they attempted to cross the border if they wanted them to serve in the military? Plus wouldn’t that mean that on the occasions when U.S. troops were sent to patrol the Mexican border, non-citizen troops would be arresting (even shooting at) other non-citizens? We don’t really get it, but if  more troops and endless wars help reminder gals’ of their roles as nurses and service workers while men boldly fight and kill and die, then they must be good. 

And our exciting news is not about the new reality show “Armed and Famous,” where celebrities train for three weeks and then become gun-toting cops as they are inducted into the police department of Muncie, Indiana. They even have T-shirts that say “I was busted on ‘Armed and Famous’” for arrestees to wear—in prison, presumably. This kind of show always makes the gals at Hotel Satire all teary-eyed with pride at the beauty of the US of A. 

Our news is also not about the reality show “Beauty and the Geek” —although that show has an important lesson for gals—i.e., to service any guy, no matter whether you like him or not and to look good and show cleavage while doing it. 

S o, while the above are good lessons for gals, our most exciting news is that the FDA has recently lifted the ban on “silicone gel-filled breast implants after in-depth evaluation.” This is truly good news for gals. 

According to the FDA News , “FDA has reviewed an extensive amount of data from clinical trials of women studied for up to four years, as well as a wealth of other information to determine the benefits and risks of these products.… The extensive body of scientific evidence provides reasonable assurance of the benefits and risks of these devices.” Wow, reasonable assurance sounds good. Although we’re wondering why, after “extensive data” and “clinical trials,” the FDA has also mandated “a large post-approval study of 40,000 women for 10 years after receiving implants. But what the heck. 

Now you radfeminazis are probably ready to protest the FDA approval based on “reasonable assurance.” The terroristic Our Bodies Ourselves has even been trying to educate gals with such breast augmentation information as, “In 2005, more than 360,000 women and teenagers underwent breast implant surgery for augmentation” and a substantial percentage of these breast enhanced gals require additional surgery after a number of years; the high cost of removing them (over $6,000) if something goes wrong; the fact that gals with implants for at least seven years are more likely to die from brain cancer, lung cancer, and suicide. How breast implants also interfere with cancer detection during mammograms; they also affect the autoimmune system; may interfere with the ability to breast-feed; cause infections and neurological, muscle, skin, or joint symptoms; leak, scar, rupture, or infect. 

Puhlease! Death and leaking breasts are small prices to pay in order to be a gal, i.e., reduced to the depth of ones cleavage. After all, how can gals effectively cheer for their men as they vie on the football or battle field if gals don’t have maximum bouncing breasts and cleavage exposure on the sidelines?

Also, this silicone news is important for another reason. It highlights gals’ importance as boosters, so to speak, of the economy. For example, at the Mentor Corporation plant in Irving, Texas where “breast implants resembling risen pizza dough” are stacked on trays, the mood was upbeat because, based on FDA approval, the Mentor Corporation was able to increase its projected revenues by $25 million! 

N ow that we think of it, 360,000 beast implants a year and revenues of a mere $24 million are not really enough. Clearly we need to offer gals more incentive to augment. What if gals who had their breasts generously gel-filled were rewarded with a chance to be on “Cleavage and the Geek” where they can pose with creator Ashton Kutcher’s head in their cleavage, among other exciting cleavage-related activities. Also, non-citizen gals could be promised citizenship following breast augmentation on a spin-off show called “Cleavaged and Legal.” 

But wait! Speaking of incentives, how about offering non-citizen guys a guest spot on a reality show called “Armed and Legal,” which would feature gun-toting immigrants training for military service for three weeks and then being sent to the border between the U.S. and Mexico to arrest  other immigrants! 

Or we could combine the two shows into “Armed, Cleavaged, and Legal” where well-cleavaged gals cheer and pose somewhere in Iraq or Iran, while non-citizens guys strafe and maim. There could be “I was busted on....” T-shirts for the both breast-enhanced gals (if you catch our innuendo) and arrested guys. Or how about a show where....?

Lydia Sargent  is a co-founder of South End Press and Z Magazine , where she has been on the staff since 1988. 

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