Volume , Number 0
There are no articles.Commentary
There are no articles.Culture
There are no articles.Features
Aaron St. jean
Gabriel matthew Schivone
Nuclear Power Not Clean, Green, â€¦
Tiffany Ten eyck
Z Papers on Strategy
Nicolas J.S. Davies
Gay & Lesbian Community Notes
There are no articles.
NOTE: Z Magazine subscribers and sustainers have access to all Z Magazine articles here and in the archive. The latest Z Magazine articles available to everyone are listed in the Free Articles box at the top of the table of contents, and are starred in the list below. Questions? e-mail Z Magazine Online.
Armed, Cleavaged, and Legal
W elcome to Hotel Satire where gals come to learn how to be men’s decorative appendages—as dictated by God in the Bible, uh, somewhere. There has been some exciting news recently to help gals increase their decorativeness. No, we’re not talking about the beauteous holiday season, although it’s always good for gals to celebrate “unto us a SON is born and he shall be called fantastic, etc.” And about peace on earth goodwill to MEN-only while gals function as receptacles.
And we’re not talking about the exciting fall/winter college and professional Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday night football games, although it’s always good for a nation to see men running, kicking, and smashing each other while gals cheer and pose as sexually available decorations.
We’re also not talking about Bush’s proposed troop increase or the fact that the U.S. military is contemplating recruiting non-citizens to fight for America, with citizenship promised in return. In an article “Military Considers Recruiting Foreigners” from the December 28 Boston Globe , staffer Bryan Bender writes, “The armed forces, already struggling to meet recruiting goals, are considering expanding the number of non-citizens in the ranks—including disputed proposals to open recruiting stations overseas and putting more immigrants on a faster track to US citizenship if they volunteer—according to Pentagon officials.”
The article notes that there are precedents for the use of non-citizens—the Revolutionary War; for example German and French soldiers served alongside the colonists. Hmm. Wasn’t everybody pretty much a non-citizen/foreign-born back in the 1700s? But we digress.
At first the non-citizen recruitment thingie seemed confusing to us gals with our pea-sized brains and all. Why was the U.S. government kicking these immigrant types (i.e., inferiors) out and/or arresting them if they attempted to cross the border if they wanted them to serve in the military? Plus wouldn’t that mean that on the occasions when U.S. troops were sent to patrol the Mexican border, non-citizen troops would be arresting (even shooting at) other non-citizens? We don’t really get it, but if more troops and endless wars help reminder gals’ of their roles as nurses and service workers while men boldly fight and kill and die, then they must be good.
And our exciting news is not about the new reality show “Armed and Famous,” where celebrities train for three weeks and then become gun-toting cops as they are inducted into the police department of Muncie, Indiana. They even have T-shirts that say “I was busted on ‘Armed and Famous’” for arrestees to wear—in prison, presumably. This kind of show always makes the gals at Hotel Satire all teary-eyed with pride at the beauty of the US of A.
Our news is also not about the reality show “Beauty and the Geek” —although that show has an important lesson for gals—i.e., to service any guy, no matter whether you like him or not and to look good and show cleavage while doing it.
S o, while the above are good lessons for gals, our most exciting news is that the FDA has recently lifted the ban on “silicone gel-filled breast implants after in-depth evaluation.” This is truly good news for gals.
According to the FDA News , “FDA has reviewed an extensive amount of data from clinical trials of women studied for up to four years, as well as a wealth of other information to determine the benefits and risks of these products.… The extensive body of scientific evidence provides reasonable assurance of the benefits and risks of these devices.” Wow, reasonable assurance sounds good. Although we’re wondering why, after “extensive data” and “clinical trials,” the FDA has also mandated “a large post-approval study of 40,000 women for 10 years after receiving implants. But what the heck.
Now you radfeminazis are probably ready to protest the FDA approval based on “reasonable assurance.” The terroristic Our Bodies Ourselves has even been trying to educate gals with such breast augmentation information as, “In 2005, more than 360,000 women and teenagers underwent breast implant surgery for augmentation” and a substantial percentage of these breast enhanced gals require additional surgery after a number of years; the high cost of removing them (over $6,000) if something goes wrong; the fact that gals with implants for at least seven years are more likely to die from brain cancer, lung cancer, and suicide. How breast implants also interfere with cancer detection during mammograms; they also affect the autoimmune system; may interfere with the ability to breast-feed; cause infections and neurological, muscle, skin, or joint symptoms; leak, scar, rupture, or infect.
Puhlease! Death and leaking breasts are small prices to pay in order to be a gal, i.e., reduced to the depth of ones cleavage. After all, how can gals effectively cheer for their men as they vie on the football or battle field if gals don’t have maximum bouncing breasts and cleavage exposure on the sidelines?
Also, this silicone news is important for another reason. It highlights gals’ importance as boosters, so to speak, of the economy. For example, at the Mentor Corporation plant in Irving, Texas where “breast implants resembling risen pizza dough” are stacked on trays, the mood was upbeat because, based on FDA approval, the Mentor Corporation was able to increase its projected revenues by $25 million!
N ow that we think of it, 360,000 beast implants a year and revenues of a mere $24 million are not really enough. Clearly we need to offer gals more incentive to augment. What if gals who had their breasts generously gel-filled were rewarded with a chance to be on “Cleavage and the Geek” where they can pose with creator Ashton Kutcher’s head in their cleavage, among other exciting cleavage-related activities. Also, non-citizen gals could be promised citizenship following breast augmentation on a spin-off show called “Cleavaged and Legal.”
But wait! Speaking of incentives, how about offering non-citizen guys a guest spot on a reality show called “Armed and Legal,” which would feature gun-toting immigrants training for military service for three weeks and then being sent to the border between the U.S. and Mexico to arrest other immigrants!
Or we could combine the two shows into “Armed, Cleavaged, and Legal” where well-cleavaged gals cheer and pose somewhere in Iraq or Iran, while non-citizens guys strafe and maim. There could be “I was busted on....” T-shirts for the both breast-enhanced gals (if you catch our innuendo) and arrested guys. Or how about a show where....?
Lydia Sargent is a co-founder of South End Press and Z Magazine , where she has been on the staff since 1988.
Z Magazine Archive
HUMAN RIGHTS - The U.S. Human Rights Network will celebrate its 10th anniversary with the Advancing Human Rights 2013 Conference, December 6-8, in Atlanta, GA.
Contact: 250 Georgia Avenue SE, Suite 330, Atlanta, GA 30312; firstname.lastname@example.org; http:// www.ushrnetwork.org/.
AFRICAN/SOCIALIST - The Sixth Congress of the African People’s Socialist Party USA will be held December 7-11, in St. Petersburg, FL.
Contact: 1245 18th Avenue South, St. Petersburg, FL 33705; 727- 821-6620; info@aps puhuru.org; http://asiuhuru.org/.
SCHOOLS - The Dignity in Schools Campaign (DSC) will host a workshop on the DSC “Model Code on Education and Dignity: Presenting A Human Rights Framework for Schools” at the Mid-Hudson Region NY State Leadership Summit on School Justice Partnerships, December 11 in White Plains, NY.
Contact: http://www.dignityin schools.org/.
ANARCHIST/BOOKFAIR - The Humboldt Anarchist Book Fair will be held December 14, in Eureka, CA.
Contact: humboldtgrassroots @riseup.net; http://humbold tanarchist bookfair.wordpress. com/.
CLIMATE - The World Symposium on Sustainable Development at Universities is hosting a follow-up event to the 2012 Rio de Janeiro symposium. The gathering will be held in Qatar on January 28-30, 2014.
Contact: http://environment.tufts. edu/.
LABOR - The United Association for Labor Education (UALE) will host Organizing for Power: A New Labor Movement for the New Working Class in Los Angeles, March 26-29. Proposals are due December 15.
Contact: LAWCHA, 226 Carr Building (East Campus), Box 90719, Duke University, Durham, NC 27708-0719;lawcha @duke. edu; http://lawcha.org/.
MEDIA FELLOWSHIP - The Media Mobilizing Project is seeking applicants for the first annual Movement Media Fellowship Program. The Fellow will work with MMP to produce the spring season of Media Mobilizing Project TV. MMPTV is a news and talk show that tells the stories of local communities organizing to win human rights and build a movement to end poverty.
Contact: 4233 Chestnut St., Philadelphia, PA 19104; 215-821- 9632; milena@media mobilizing.org; http://www.media mobilizing.org/.
RACE - The 7th Facing Race: A National Conference will be held in Dallas, TX November 13-15, 2014. Organizers, educators, artists, funders and everyone interested in racial equity is invited to exchange best practices and learn about innovative models and successful organizing initiatives. Proposals must be submitted by January 24, 2014.
Contact: Race Forward, 32 Broadway, Suite 1801, New York, NY 10004; 212-513-7925; media @raceforward.org; http://race forward.org/.
VETERANS - They Were Soldiers: How the Wounded Return from America’s Wars - The Untold Story, by Ann Jones, is about the journey of veterans from the moment of being wounded in rural Afghanistan to their return home.
Contact: Haymarket Books, PO Box 180165, Chicago, IL 60618; 773-583-7884; http://www.haymarketbooks.org/.
LIBYA - Destroying Libya and World Order: The Three-Decade U.S. Campaign to Terminate the Qaddafi Revolution, by Francis A. Boyle, is a history and critique of American foreign policy from Reagan to Obama.
Contact: Clarity Press, Inc., Ste. 469, 3277 Roswell Rd. NE, Atlanta, GE 30305; 404-647-6501; email@example.com; http://www. claritypress.com/.
CHILDREN - Fannie and Freddie by Becky Z. Dernbach is about two bumbling villains who gamble away the savings of the people of Homeville.
Contact: fannieandfreddiebook @gmail.com; http://fannieand freddie.org/.
PROTEST/COMIC - Fight the Power!: A Visual History of Protest Among English Speaking Peoples, by Sean Michael Wilson and Benjamin Dickson is a graphic narrative that explains how people have fought against oppression.
Contact: Seven Stories Press, 140 Watts Street, New York, NY 10013; 212-226-8760; info@ sevenstories.com; http://www. sevenstories.com.
CHILDREN - Brave Girl by Michelle Markel and illustrated by Melissa Sweet is the true story of Clara Lemlich, a young Ukrainian immigrant who led the largest strike of women workers in U.S. history.
Contact: http://www.harpercollins childrens.com/Kids/.
FESTIVAL - The 2014 Queer Women of Color Film Festival will be held June 13-15 in San Francisco. The festival is currently accepting submissions until December 31.
Contact: QWOCMAP, 59 Cook Street, San Francisco, CA 94118-3310; 415-752-0868; firstname.lastname@example.org; http://www.qwocmap.org/.
IRAQ/REFUGEES - Ten years after the U.S.-led war in Iraq, thousands of displaced Iraqi refugees are still facing a crisis in the United States. The Lost Dream follows Nazar and Salam who had to flee Iraq in order to avoid threats by Al- Qaeda-affiliated groups and Iraqi insurgents that consider them “traitors” for supporting U.S. forces in Operation Iraqi Freedom.
Contact: Typecast Films, 888- 591-3456; info@type castfilms. com; http://type castfilms.com/.
HUMAN RIGHTS - Lyrical Revolt! III will be held December 4 in Syracuse, NY. The event will feature hip-hop musician Anhel whose album Young, Gifted, and Brown was just released. The event is sponsored by ANSWER Syracuse, Liberation News, and SyracuseHip Hop.com. Performers and artists are encouraged to send submissions.
Contact: email@example.com; http://www.answercoalition.org/syracuse/.
FOLK - Musician Painless Parker has released his album Music for miscreants, malcontents and misanthropes featuring “Fuck Yeah, the Working Class.”
Contact: firstname.lastname@example.org; http://painlessparkermusic.com/.
COMEDY - Political comedian Lee Camp’s new album Pepper Spray the Tears Away has been released.