Battery Powered Bras

Welcome to Hotel Satire where men are people and gals are their bra size. Yes, Gals, it’s important that we focus constantly on our breasts— when we’re not obsessing about our looks/weight/ crotches.

To this end, Janie, Susie, Mary, and I decided  to have coffee in the Hotel Satire coffee shop to share information on the latest breast developments, so to speak.

Mary, of course, was late. She’s a big traveler and had just returned from a cruise aboard the SS Lane Victory where she experienced firsthand the thrills of World War II— guns thundering, "Nazi" fighters attacking, American aircraft saving the day. All this and a delicious buffet lunch.

Susie and I, being a bit younger than Mary, are hoping they have a Vietnam War Cruise where we can thrill to the Gulf of Tonkin, the Tet Offensive, the slaughter/maiming of the indigenous population. Not to mention a swell buffet.

Susie, Janie, and I passed the time while waiting for Mary by discussing the latest fall fashions. By the way, did you know that "fashion moves to its own beat?" (NYT, September 5, 1999). Anyway, a current fashion trend is the one- size-fits-all drawstring petticoat, inspired by the underskirt of the Victorian era (worn over a wire bustle then). Today, the once- hidden petticoat is worn on its own, for both day and evening.

Susie was so taken with the convenience of wearing undergarments without having to put anything on over them (not to mention the fashion-based-on-Victorian era, where gals were trussed up like chickens), that she is planning to wear a petticoat, should there be a Vietnam War Cruise.

Finally, Mary arrived, flush from the excitement of WWII bombings and buffet. After getting a full report on the cruise, we moved to the topic at hand, the ever-important discussion of gals’ bra sizes and the breasts that go with them. Janie led off with a report, based on her study of mainstream media. "I think we can summarize the situation," she said, "by saying that pre-millennium gals are of no interest unless they’re sexy. And the way to be sexy is by showing breasts in bras. It doesn’t matter whether she’s a CEO, a neurosurgeon, or a soccer star, it’s her bra size that we’re concerned about.

"Check out Brandi Chastain, that gal’s World Cup Soccer star," says Janie. "She takes off her shirt after scoring the winning goal, and makes the front page of every newspaper, even gets to be a Playboy centerfold, soccer ball strategically placed." Janie alerts us to an article in Business Week where the author Mark Hyman writes: "Women, I have it on good authority (namely, my wife), will always treasure the image of 90,145 fans in various stages of hysteria gathered for the title game at the Rose Bowl…to celebrate an exceptional group of female athletes. Speaking for the men, however, I can say confidently (if a bit sheepishly), the Kodak Moment of the day was the sight of Brandi Chastain—in all her muscular glory—doffing her shirt."

"You see," Janie said. "If a gal is sexy and shows a little sports bra/skin, then maybe we’ll watch her kick a ball around. But for no other reason."

Susie jumped in with a recommendation that we subscribe to Sports Illustrated for Gals, where they keep us current on things like "10 Great Sports Bras."

"This is baby stuff, " I say. "How can we talk about breasts without mentioning the current medical breast breakthrough reported in Allure magazine?"