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Battery Powered Bras
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Battery Powered Bras
Welcome to Hotel Satire where men are people and gals are their bra size. Yes, Gals, its important that we focus constantly on our breasts when were not obsessing about our looks/weight/ crotches.
To this end, Janie, Susie, Mary, and I decided to have coffee in the Hotel Satire coffee shop to share information on the latest breast developments, so to speak.
Mary, of course, was late. Shes a big traveler and had just returned from a cruise aboard the SS Lane Victory where she experienced firsthand the thrills of World War II guns thundering, "Nazi" fighters attacking, American aircraft saving the day. All this and a delicious buffet lunch.
Susie and I, being a bit younger than Mary, are hoping they have a Vietnam War Cruise where we can thrill to the Gulf of Tonkin, the Tet Offensive, the slaughter/maiming of the indigenous population. Not to mention a swell buffet.
Susie, Janie, and I passed the time while waiting for Mary by discussing the latest fall fashions. By the way, did you know that "fashion moves to its own beat?" (NYT, September 5, 1999). Anyway, a current fashion trend is the one- size-fits-all drawstring petticoat, inspired by the underskirt of the Victorian era (worn over a wire bustle then). Today, the once- hidden petticoat is worn on its own, for both day and evening.
Susie was so taken with the convenience of wearing undergarments without having to put anything on over them (not to mention the fashion-based-on-Victorian era, where gals were trussed up like chickens), that she is planning to wear a petticoat, should there be a Vietnam War Cruise.
Finally, Mary arrived, flush from the excitement of WWII bombings and buffet. After getting a full report on the cruise, we moved to the topic at hand, the ever-important discussion of gals bra sizes and the breasts that go with them. Janie led off with a report, based on her study of mainstream media. "I think we can summarize the situation," she said, "by saying that pre-millennium gals are of no interest unless theyre sexy. And the way to be sexy is by showing breasts in bras. It doesnt matter whether shes a CEO, a neurosurgeon, or a soccer star, its her bra size that were concerned about.
"Check out Brandi Chastain, that gals World Cup Soccer star," says Janie. "She takes off her shirt after scoring the winning goal, and makes the front page of every newspaper, even gets to be a Playboy centerfold, soccer ball strategically placed." Janie alerts us to an article in Business Week where the author Mark Hyman writes: "Women, I have it on good authority (namely, my wife), will always treasure the image of 90,145 fans in various stages of hysteria gathered for the title game at the Rose Bowl to celebrate an exceptional group of female athletes. Speaking for the men, however, I can say confidently (if a bit sheepishly), the Kodak Moment of the day was the sight of Brandi Chastainin all her muscular glorydoffing her shirt."
"You see," Janie said. "If a gal is sexy and shows a little sports bra/skin, then maybe well watch her kick a ball around. But for no other reason."
Susie jumped in with a recommendation that we subscribe to Sports Illustrated for Gals, where they keep us current on things like "10 Great Sports Bras."
"This is baby stuff, " I say. "How can we talk about breasts without mentioning the current medical breast breakthrough reported in Allure magazine?"
"What break through? Did they discover a cure for breast cancer?" queried Mary.
"No, I said. "Although Saks Fifth Avenue is trying. Theyre donating 2 percent of their sales for four days to national and local breast cancer charities."
"Wow, 2 percent," Janie says, "I love that Saks. No crass marketing ploy here. They really care. I saw their 8-page breast-cancer-as-sexy-fashion-spread in the NYT of September 19, 1999. I love that target plastered across those sexy gals breasts."
Susie adds, "I hope Saks cares enough to do the same thing for prostate cancer."
"Please," I say. "I dont think a target plastered over a mans genitals is very tasteful."
"Why not?" Susie says.
"Are you forgetting that men are people, and gals are their bra size?" I shout.
"Sorry," says Susie, "youre right."
"Thank you," I say. "Getting back to the medical breast breakthrough youll never guessits a battery-powered bra!!!"
"What?" they shout.
"Heres the deal, as reported in Allure in an article titled Vacuum Stack- ed," I said. "Its all about how to increase your breast/bra size without implants. Heres how: For at least ten hours a day, for ten weeks straight, you wear two hard plastic domes, about an inch deeper than your breasts, connected by tiny tubes to a small power pack, all held in place under a sports-type bra.
When it is switched on, the air is vacuumed out of the domes, and the breasts are sucked forward. This causes the breast tissue and nerves to grow. Ten weeks later, your breasts have increased from a 34A to a 34B.
"Allure says that almost 127,000 gals had implant surgery last year. Bio- mecanica, the Miami based company that developed the device, is betting that millions more will opt for bigger breasts if scalpels and sacks of saline and silicone arent involved."
"Theyre right about that," says Mary. "Id much rather get my breasts sucked into plastic domes than have them cut open and stuffed. Who wouldnt?"
"This is clearly a medical breakthrough of some kindto be able to have bigger boobs." says Susie.
"The bras price, by the way, will be around $1,500 to $3,000," I point out. "Of course, the motor is a bit noisy and the bra is gross looking, and its gonna be hard to play soccer with the thing on, or go on a WWII nostalgia cruise, or do anything in public for that matter, but so what? At least, as the manufacturers say in their ads, Mechanical forces are not known to be carcinogens." Z