Brazilian Butt Fill

W elcome to Hotel Satire where gals come to learn how to be the pretty little things they were ordained by God to be (we don’t know how exactly, but men have told us so—and they are in close touch with Him on a daily basis). 

We have been noticing lately that gals’ health is a big concern. We’re not sure why, since gals outlive men by seven years or so, but no matter. At first, we admit, all the articles and ads about products to help gals’ improve their health seemed to be an excuse for showing “gorgeous” nude fashion model types (who clearly have no need for the services being offered) on the “Six O’Clock News,” Discovery Channel, Time, and Business Week, among other media outlets . We also noticed that a lot of the so-called health news for gals was about plastic/cosmetic surgery, in particular, rearranging our breasts and vaginas. We’re not sure why these help gals live longer, healthier lives, but what the heck. 

The extensive media coverage of the health and beauty benefits of plastic surgery prompted us to take a fresh look at our own Hotel Satire program for turning gals into pretty little things, which includes: (1) getting a man to provide and protect us from....other men (if this sounds a little stupid, that’s because it is); (2) getting a complete makeover so we can resemble as closely as possible either Cinderella or Marilyn Monroe or both (when we’re under 40) and one of the gals on “Desperate Housewives” (when we’re over 40). 

What more, you ask, could possibly be requiredalerosity—beyond the above important points? Well, let’s face it, we need more than a new lipstick, skin cream, and hair color to break the current feminazi stranglehold on gals, we need surgery. Yes, we need, among other things, a Brazilian Butt Fill, with state of the art fat grafting!!! 

At the Hotel Satire Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery wing, we’ve got a fully equipped surgicenter for performing the reconstruction that you need to be the gal your man wants you to be. Yes, we can exfoliate, microdermabrase, and peel. We can firm, optimize, smooth, reduce, and contour. We can remove, relocate, redo, and rejuvenate. We can lipo, rhino, and grafto. We can tissue tighten, face lift, tummy tuck, breast reduce, and fat transfer. We can do all of these and more on any part of your body, including improving drooping eyelids, decaying vaginas, and crumbling hymens. You can go online and see pictures of the results! (Hey, we’re not making this up. You can actual focus your newly undrooped eyeballs on a newly renovated crotch!)  

We call our program the Fitpack, inspired by Guitay’s Wellbox body optimizer (as advertised in New York magazine). Here’s a testimonial. “I knew I looked more like Marilyn Manson than Marilyn Monroe so I was really curious about your new Fitpack. But something kept holding me back [like an irrational fear of having your vagina cut open?]. So I talked to my doctor and she told me to try the Hotel Satire program on a limited basis, maybe start with Botoxing my frown lines and see how that went. After all, a few tiny injections can last up to four months!!!  I talked with my friend Janey and she said that 80 percent of the treatments are moderate or better! She was in the 20 percent who didn’t benefit, so she still looked like she was frowning all the time, but no matter. Anyway, I decided to try it and liked the Botoxing so much, I got the works. Am I glad I did. My husband doesn’t even recognize my face—or my vagina. Thank you, Satire gals.” 

Yes, Gals, we make your five week stay, with rejuvenating visits for years to come, as pleasant as possible. We even have psych consults. After all, you’re being cut, sucked, and injected. When you think of it, the process is kinda like Bush in Iraq—some invasive shock and awe, some surgical strikes, a continued presence of advisers and experts to repair and redo in a process of reconstruction and domination without end. We even have access to new body shortening techniques as used in Abu Ghraib torture chambers! We’ve also got embedded reporters to help write about (promote) this surgical invasion of gals as a health benefit. 

And, like the U.S. invasion and occupation of Iraq, should there be resistance to Fitpack’s revolutionary reconstruction technology, then we administer a full lobotomy. Whoopie! 

For all you pretty little things out there in need of improving you health (wink, wink), this month’s special is the Brazilian Butt Fill; only $500 per cheek. That’s half off the regular price!