Chick Lit & Rent for Sex

Also, we admire a man who makes his case for men being men and gals being, well, not men by using lots of literary references— Homer and Kipling, for instance—to prove his scientific point. If we could return to Homer’s ever so manly 8th century BC or even Kipling’s 19th, when gals were basically ladylike (i.e., property), everything would be okay. 

Dear HSG, 

I recently watched Brokeback Mountain on DVD as I missed it when it played in our local movie theater. All I have to say is, “What the f___?” And I mean that literally. These guys fall in love with each other after a few months of fishing, camping, herding sheep, and exchanging simple sentences? I don't buy it. Subsequently, they both get married and their wives take care of the home, the shopping, the cooking, the cleaning, their husbands, the children, and have jobs to boot. In return they get morose husbands who hardly say more than two words to them. And yet these guys are miserable and unfulfilled, presumably because they only get to go camping and fishing with each other once a year? Is this a joke? 

It’s the women who should be complaining, for chrissakes. Is the Brokeback in the title a sly reference to the misogyny that underlies this filmic crap? When will Hollywood make a movie where women are depicted realistically and of equal importance rather than subsumed and where guys actually behave like human beings, i.e., like women? Then maybe there will be some decent love stories told, same-sex or otherwise. 

Signed, Aaagghhh! 

Dear Sociopath, 

The answer to your question about Hollywood is “Never!” By the way we saw Brokeback Mountain . We enjoyed the horseback riding and sheep herding, but closed our eyes during certain parts, if you catch our drift. The reason we tolerated the same-sex disgustingness is because this film’s message is a good one. It’s not about love, as the director claims, it’s about how today’s gals are driving men crazy and if they don’t stop it, then their men are going to do unspeakable things in a tent in order to teach you gals a lesson. 

Dear HSG, 

I was reading a review in the March 19 Times Sunday Review of Books titled “Chick-Lit Pandemic.” It’s about a collection of essays called Chick Lit . By the way, an example of chick lit is Bridget Jones ’s Diary , which the review describes as being about a woman who is “endearing, hung over, and running late for work.” Co-editor Mallory Young writes that in countries “where feminism hasn’t fully taken root, chick lit might be offering the feminist joys of freedom and the post-feminist joys of consumerism simultaneously.” Excuse me? If feminism hasn't taken root, how can they enjoy post-feminism?  And doesn’t it seem a bit bizarre to be using the words chick lit and feminism in the same sentence? Especially when writing about a genre where the goal for gals is (to be thin enough and beautiful enough) to find the right man? Jeez, at least the 1950s Cherry Ames, Student Nurse series—for all her perky curls and pretty frocks—was about her being a student nurse, not her search for a husband. And why is chick lit a pandemic???????? 

Signed, Not a Farm Animal 

Dear Pinko Terrorist, 

Are you the same person who wrote to us about the March 19 article on manliness? If so, please stop reading the Sunday Times , it’s too liberal and feminist.  

Moving on, the lesson here is that whatever words you use in reference to gals make sure they are derogatory and belittling. Also, remember that all things feminine are, in themselves, derogatory when used as adjectives in reference to all things manly . 

At Hotel Satire, we make sure to equate gals with domestic livestock on a daily basis. Fresh and dried fruits and vegetables are also good gal reference terms (tomatoes, peaches), as are baked goods (cream puff, honey bun, cookie). Lately, inspired by Homer’s use of epithets (swift-footed, rosy-fingered), we are prefacing our references to gals when they read as chickie-litted and to gals when the go to the movies as chickieflicked and gals when they bathe or go swimming as chickie-dipped and gals when they are being ladylike as chickie-zipped.