Fashioning Gals

But the Times is the final authority on fashion matters and they have lots to tell us. For instance, in the “SundayStyles” section of March 5, 2005, they tell us that we are “All Wrapped Up in Reassurance.” The author, Guy Trebay, writes about how conservative the fall line of fashions was and then reports, “An unconscious group effort seems to have taken place here [among designers] to assure the buying public that, far from being a sphere where transgression is encouraged or difference welcomed, French fashion remains stable, albeit as clunky as a Frigidaire.” Huh?! We don’t know what that means, but it must be important or the Times wouldn’t have published it, right? Trebay goes on to tell us that the current collections seem to suggest that women dress up like unmade beds or elements of architecture or down-stuffed duvets or flatware. “…or even try looking like Barcaloungers with colors resembling cervical supports.”  The article features a gal with an armrest as a coat collar and a gal who appears to be wearing her bathrobe as a hood. 

Moving to the Fashion Magazine , we learn such incredible things as “Black is the new green” and “Sometimes a Bag Is Not Just a Bag” and that “bag mania defines our acquisition-mad moment as surely as tulip fever defined 17th century Holland” and that Eve was “actually tempted” by bohemian chic jewelry and “In Fashion, as in life, it’s all in the twist.” Huh!?

We also learn that the artist Marina Abramovic drapes her body in Galliano creations, “along with a plastic skeleton to show that she acknowledges and accepts her own death.” Much admired by younger gals is the “Louisiana purchase” where designer Ernest Bellocq combines baby-doll gauzy dresses with New Orleans’ turn-of-the-century “red-light ladies” day look. 

We particularly liked the “Do’s & Donas” collection of lace, ruffles, and toreador pants because “this spring, Spanish is spoken everywhere.” We’re not sure how they know that, but no matter. They title these outfits “La Conquistadors,” and “Spanish Acquisitions.” Wow! At Hotel Satire we have long dreamed of having an outfit that says “I’m into murder, torture, ethnic cleansing, and burning people alive.” 

We also like the “desert bloom” fashions where “you may not be able to smell the roses, but you can wear them in some of the season’s vivid prints.” The gal in this series looked like a cadaver. We decided they were saying that gals, while wearing daisies, should also be pushing them up. 

Another favorite was the fashion spread about shoes called “better than sex,” which states, “Not since the 16th century, when Venetian courtesans tottered about in chopines [high shoes with thick soles], have shoes been quite this satisfying.” We couldn’t agree more. Any shoe that promotes tottering, even outright teetering, is orgasmic, to say the least. We’ve also found that, when in doubt about what to wear, consult the 16th century  and you can’t go wrong. 

Our absolute favorite fashion concept was in the spread titled “Agit Props: and now, three cheers for the rebels and their puckish views of the world.” First, we have “Militarism” where we learn that rebellion seems to mean wearing military fatigues! (Jacket, $1,820; skirt and shoes, $2,430.) In “Survivalism: entwined in rope, any dress has other implications.” Yikes. We always wanted to be off balance and tied up. In “Colonialism: by cutting and draping tartans without a pattern, Rei Kawakubo tells today’s neo-colonialists: you’ve lost your way.” Oh, my, those crazy certainly neocolonialists should get a pattern—a print, florals, stripes, blood splotches, something, for chrissakes. In “Existentialism: hoping to dissolve the structure of clothing, designer Martin Margiela finished only one side of the dress, letting the other melt into a bolt of fabric (for $395).” Fantastic. Gals as unfinished, draped fabric bolts. Love it. In “Environmentalism: with his Edwardian jackets in army green and shopped up T-shirt dresses, Junya Watanabe hoped to invoke the punks, but made a different statement instead.” Hmmm. There’s nothing like the Edwardian period to invoke punks and nothing like punks to remind gals that their purpose in life is to dress up the environment! Much as we love these spring fashions, we think we prefer the pretty little Bottega Veneta shirtdress, a $6,800 reminder of June Cleaver. 

Goodbye for now from Hotel Satire where gals are wearing the June Cleaver shirtdress this spring—along with survivalist existential Edwardian 16th century Venetian conquistador neocolonialist desert blooming militarist armchair collar. Or, as the Vera Wang ad reminds us, gals are essentially dummies for the meaningless draping and displaying clothes!