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Feel the Love
W elcome to Hotel Satire where men are in command and gals are not, thank goodness. These days there’s been a lot of criticism, anger, and even outright hatred directed toward our government, especially our beloved president. For no reason whatsoever!!!!
The Hotel Satire gals are writing this column on Valentine’s Day, a day when men bring frilly cards, flowers, candy, and heart-shaped pendants on gold chains to their best gals; and where those gals scream ecstatically cause nothing says lovin’ like a few consumer items.
Of course, we’ve never been sure what Hallmark cards and candy have to do with St. Valentine and the origins of this holiday, which remain mysterious (but no matter). We love the legend that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men. Valentine defied Claudius and performed marriages for young lovers in secret. When Claudius discovered this, he ordered that Valentine be put to death. When in prison, it is said that Valentine fell in love with a young girl and before his death wrote her a letter, which he signed “From your Valentine.”
Hey, there’s nothing like a tale of emperors, prison, and death sentences to inspire elementary school kids to make Valentine cards out of construction paper and doilies. We are overwhelmed with love (we’re talking xxx, ooo) for our country and the men who run it. We dedicate this column to them.
We love President Bush for all the things he’s done for us. For his trillion dollar military budget to keep us safe from those murderous Iraqis (or is it Iranians?) who are threatening to invade our shores. Plus, getting that nuclear power program going makes us just radiate with love.
We love Bush even more for his cutbacks in healthcare, education, Medicare, family literacy funds, college tuition subsidies, food stamps, etc. The government shouldn’t be in the business of giving handouts to the undeserving. Those folks need to learn to stand on their own two feet, the scum (we say that with love).
We especially love the Busher for ordering governemnt spying on U.S. citizens and then lovingly declaring, when criticized by bleeding heart liberals and radicals, that “the Constitution is just a piece of paper.” Especially lovable is a new kids page on the NSA website, which we hope will enable kids to feel the love for their parents by spying on them.
We are feeling mucho love for Vice President Cheney because what gal wouldn’t love a man who hunts birds with shotguns and feels love and forgiveness for his friend who got in the way, damn him. That’s the kind of attitude we need in charge of our foreign policy—somebody who can hunt down helpless creatures and blame the victims for any collateral damage that might ensue.
When Cheney said in an interview (
, February 16) that
the shooting accident was the worst day in his life, we were shot
full o’ love for him. You gotta be crazy in love with a man
who regrets “accidentally” shooting someone more than
his complicity in dropping tons of bombs on third world countries.
We love the Winter Olympics’ commentary. Who cares about bobsledding and other winter sports where somebody wins by a nano-second? What we love is the personal stories about the athletes’ health issues, like all the diseases they have survived and all the near death experiences their coaches, parents, and siblings have undergone, not to mention the many tear-filled, flag-raising, U.S. National Anthem-playing award ceremonies. Feel the pride!
We also love having a TV news reporter doing commentary at the opening ceremony so he can update us on how overjoyed Mongolia was to have a U.S. president visit their country for the first time and how evil Korea is and what a human rights violator China is—and how some ungrateful countries are violence-prone and still others are poverty-stricken, inspite of all the loving the U.S. has given them. When the continuously-running soundtrack of 1980s American pop hits played “Freedom” while the U.S. team marched into the stadium, we almost went into cardiac arrest from feeeeeling the lurve.
We are, of course, filled with gratitude and love for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue released every February. It helps remind gals that sports should be about men. Half-naked gals frolicking with erect nipples in the blue waters off some Caribbean island are substitute trophies/gold medals for the men/winners to ravage in the pages of a magazine or while on a free trip to Disneyland.
Above all, we love corporations for continuing to turn everything— politics, feelings, culture, sports, clothing, etc.—into sales opportunities. Special love goes to Filenes, a department store based in Massachusetts (which is going out of business) for turning the civil rights struggle in the U.S. into a shopping expedition to their Cambridge store’s lower level to see and hear Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.’s “I Have A Dream” speech while taking advantage of the many discounts.
We love the company that has turned sincerity into sweater sales. It seems Evo Morales (newly elected president of Bolivia) has provided folks with a fashion opportunity. Who cares about conditions in Bolivia or the U.S.’s (loving) involvement there when a Bolivian sweater mania is going on. Shops in La Paz are selling up to 300 acrylic Evo pullovers a day. The New York Times , in an article titled “The Fashion of the Populist,” reports, “‘We saw his dress as an act of sincerity,’” said Raul Valda, the owner of the Punto Blanco textile company, which is reproducing the sweaters Mr. Morales wore in Europe.”
Much love goes as well to Chrysler for making clear that movies are really about product placement. For instance, Harrison Ford’s new movie Firewall is about seeing the Chrysler 300C featured therein.
Most of all we love the advertisers who are now allowing us to own an ad! The Boston Globe reports, “Companies hope to mimic the success of music downloads in offering Super Bowl commercials to iPod, computer users…to download their favorite beer commercials and watch them on video iPods, laptops, and computer screens” (there were 50 ads during the Super Bowl). Wow. Feel the pride. Download the love.
Lydia Sargent is on the staff of Z and is a playwright, actor, and director.
Z Magazine Archive
CUBAN 5 - From May 30 to June 5, supporters of the Cuban 5 will gather in Washington DC to raise awareness about the case and to demand a humanitarian solution that will allow the return of these men to their homeland.
Contact: email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org.
BIKES - Bikes Not Bombs is holding its 24th annual Bike- A-Thon and Green Roots Festival in Boston, MA on June 3, with several bike rides, music, exhibitors, and more.
Contact: Bikes Not Bombs, 284 Amory St., Jamaica Plain, MA 02130; 617-522-0222; mailbikesnotbombs.org; www.bikesnotbombs.org.
LEFT FORUM - The 2013 Left Forum will be held June 7-9, at Pace University in NYC.
Contact: 365 Fifth Avenue, CUNY Graduate Center, Sociology Dept., New York, NY 10016; http://www.leftforum.org/.
VEGAN FEST - Mad City Vegan Fest will be held in Madison, WI, June 8. The annual event features food, speakers, and exhibitors.
Contact: 122 State Street, Suite 405 B, Madison, WI 53701; email@example.com; http://veganfest.org/.
ADC CONFERENCE - The American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee (ADC) holds its annual conference June 13-16 in Washington, DC, with panel discussions and workshops.
Contact: 1990 M Street, Suite 610, Washington, DC, 20036; 202-244-2990; convention @adc. org http://convention.adc.org/.
CUBA/SOCIALISM - A Cuban-North American Dialog on Socialist Renewal and Global Capitalist Crisis will be held in Havana, Cuba, June 16-30. There will be a 5-day Seminar at the University of Havana, plus visits to a co-op and educational and medical institutions.
Contact: firstname.lastname@example.org; http://www.globaljustice center.org/.
NETROOTS - The 8th Annual Netroots Nation conference will take place June 20-23 in San Jose, CA. The event features panels, trainings, networking, screenings, and keynotes.
Contact: 164 Robles Way, #276, Vallejo, CA 94591; email@example.com; http://www.netrootsnation.org/.
MEDIA - The 15th annual Allied Media Conference will be held June 20-23, in Detroit.
Contact: 4126 Third Street, Detroit, MI 48201; http://alliedmedia.org/.
GRASSROOTS - The United We Stand Festival will be hosted by Free & Equal, June 22 in Little Rock, Arkansas. The festival aims to reform the electoral process in the U.S.
LITERACY - The National Association for Media Literacy Education (NAMLE) will hold its conference July 12-13 in Los Angeles.
Contact: 10 Laurel Hill Drive, Cherry Hill, NJ 08003; http://namle.net/conference/.
IWW - The North American Work People’s College will take place July 12-16 at Mesaba Co-op Park in northern Minnesota. The event will bring together Wobblies from across the continent to learn skills and build one big union.
PEACESTOCK - On July 13, the 11th Annual Peacestock will take place at Windbeam Farm in Hager City, WI. The event is a mixture of music, speakers, and community for peace. Sponsored by Veterans for Peace.
Contact: Bill Habedank, 1913 Grandview Ave., Red Wing, MN 55066; 651-388-7733; firstname.lastname@example.org; http://www. peacestockvfp.org.
LA RAZA - The annual National Council of La Raza (NCLR) Conference is scheduled for July 18-19 in New Orleans, with workshops, presentations, and panel discussions.
Contact: NCLR Headquarters Office, Raul Yzaguirre Building, 1126 16th Street, NW, Washington, DC 20036; 202-785-1670; www.nclr.org.
ACTIVIST CAMP - Youth Empowered Action (YEA) Camp will have sessions in July and August in Ben Lomond, CA; Portland, OR; Charlton, MA. YEA Camp is designed for activists 12-17 years old who want to make a difference.
Contact: email@example.com; http://yeacamp.org/.