Hotel Satire

Recently, we received a brochure in the mail all about "Communication Skills for Women: Achieving Confidence, Credibility, and Composure," a one-day seminar by the Institute for Professional Businesswomen. In a single day women can learn:

• 4 negotiating strategies that guarantee you'll get what you need from anyone, in any situation!
• How to "turn down" 4 types of communication "noise" that disrupt your message!
• What to do when you're interrupted: you'll keep the floor and your composure!
• How to say, "I don't know" and avoid clumsy bluffing and faking!
• A sound strategy to avoid communication breakdowns and the mistakes that come with them!
• Learn the most forceful words in the language and use them to multiply your communications power!
• Complainers, hot tempers, time-wasters, egomaniacs--you can communicate with these people without stress!
• 10 super tips that will have you speaking at meetings, presentations, before large groups with new confidence!

Plus:

• Unique tools to help you communicate by phone
• Two things you can do to buy time when you need to collect your thoughts before speaking
• Utilize a 5-point plan to defend against criticism and come out ahead!
• Tricks to help you stay in control in emotional situations!
• Real life rules about office gossip; how to stay tuned in without becoming part of the problem.
• 3 guidelines for successfully expressing your anger.
• Slang<197>find out when you can use it and where you can't.
• Learn how to say I don't know without compromising your credibility.
• Office politics<197>how to make your way through the political maze.
• Learn how to establish feedback loops and gain a reputation for always being in the know.
• Decisive actions you should take when you're interrupted (and you won't offend anyone!).
• Special techniques for communication with chronic complainers and temperamental personalities.
• Communicating for career success: a realistic plan to increase your profile and get recognition for your hard work.

Well, I can tell you we rushed right out and took that course! Because if there's one thing gals have trouble doing it's communicating in a way that doesn't offend; and dealing with temperamental personalities. That's why we gals should be predominantly in professions where we deal with children or service men<197>because we are clueless on how to communicate correctly. The course was wonderful, but we gals realized after attending it, how incapable gals are of functioning in this world without the help of a course in it<197>whether it be one-day or ten; whether it be opening a can of soup or applying lipstick; whether it be giving birth or feeding a child; whether it be taking a pill or having an orgasm correctly.

The gals decided to start a clearinghouse and referral service for gals. Here's how it works, gals write us with questions about stuff going on. We evaluate the knowledge/skills gap revealed by these letters, and then refer gals to the proper course, product seminar, etc. We want to publish some of those letters and our recommendations, so you'll see how useful this service can be to all you gals out there.

Dear Hotel Satire Gals,

The murder of that child beauty queen, 6-year-old JonBenet Ramsey, has really made me question the while beauty pageant thing where these tiny young gals in mascaraed eyes, fluttering lashes, hand-stitched clothes, and high heels singing God Bless America and Tomorrow (from Annie) compete like trick ponies for cash and validation. Bad enough that it's the only way adult gals can get money and recognition<197>for their beauty<197>why foist it on a six-year-old?

Signed,

A Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned Mom,

The sooner and the more we get young gals to focus/obsess on their looks and body-weight the better. We suggest sending your daughters to regular six-day seminars in beauty, makeup, dance, exercise, speech, and singing as soon as they leave the womb until they are well into their late thirties, after which no real man would be interested in them anyway. As for you, Concerned Mom, you need to learn about how to be a mom. Even though being a mom is innate and your natural God-given role in life is to be constantly giving birth (and looking good while doing it), still you know nothing about it. We recommend an intensive two-week course in How To Raise Your Daughters to be the Beautiful Sex Objects They Were Born to Be! Learn how to apply makeup so even your two week old baby girl will look beautiful--and sexy! Learn how to practice the beauty queen walk even before she starts walking!Exemplary in this looks obsessing topic is a recent ad for the Princeton Review: with the caption "Great test scores make you look better."

Dear Hotel Satire Gal,

My boyfriend dragged me to see that movie, <I>The People vs. Larry Flynt<D>. It chronicles the life story of the publisher of <I>Hustler<D>, presenting him as some kind of weirdly likable bad boy freedom fighter for First Amendment rights. Come on. A recent issue of <I>Hustler<D> features a photo of a smiling woman covered in blood. Her hands are wrapped in barbed wire and her throat and temples are pierced with needles. Another spread called the "Lyle Menendez Wedding Album" shows an entire bridal party shot in the head and legs, including the bridesmaid whose head is severed. The caption reads "Adorable bridesmaid Clara caught the bouquet, even though she was looking the other way!" A cartoon in the same issue shows a man standing outside a women's shelter hiding a baseball bat behind his back. The caption reads "Come on out, Earleen! I'm really, really, really sorry!" Now I'm all for first amendment rights and printing something is not the same as doing it and all that. But I wonder what would happen if a woman published a magazine in which a man's penis was being ground up in a meat grinder with the caption: "We will no longer hang men up like pieces of meat."

Signed,

Upset

Dear Upset,

Pishtosh. You're missing the point. It's not about what's in <I>Hustler<D> and whether it's degrading to gals, or any of that. It's about whether gals are human beings or something else altogether. Since gals are clearly something else altogether, the issue becomes Larry Flynt's right to tell the truth about gals. <I>Hustler<D> and magazines like it are telling it like it is: that unless gals are humiliated, degraded, tied up, raped, and so on, who knows what they'll do. That's why a magazine published by a woman with images of men's penises being ground up like hamburger would never work. Any woman who did that is a sick, twisted lesbian/feminist communist, and should be locked up or forced to pose for <I>Penthouse<D>. Clearly, Upset, you need some help. We'd like to take a two-month seminar in "How To Be A Piece of Hamburger," with classes in Posing for Girlie Magazines, Exposing Your Breasts at Public Events, so as not to be taken seriously (like the recent Golden Globe awards), and Communicating With Rapists For The Best Results!

We hope more movies are made in praise of men that degrade gals in the most disgusting ways. We were pleased to see, by the way, that the British have seen fit to praise Henry VIII by issuing a stamp of Henry and his six wives. As you know, he annulled wife number 1 when she failed to produce a male heir; he beheaded wife 2, charging her with "adultery"; wife 3 died soon after giving birth; wife 4 was beheaded, charged with "adultery"; wife 5 outlived him. It's these kind of men<197>Larry Flynt and Henry VIII<197>that are the proper topics for films. Concurrent with that, we hope to see many more films and TV specials depicting gals as murderers, liars, gossips, slugs, and sluts. We admire also the MCI ad in which they are able to promote a phone service by reminding us that gals' are not human beings but objects who get screwed. Kudos to MCI.

Dear Hotel Satire Gals,

I finally went out and bought that book that's been on the best seller list for gazillion years, "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus," a practical guide for improving communication and getting what you want in relationships by John Gray. I hear Hollywood has bought the movie rights to this book. I read it and couldn't believe it. How did such a stupid book, written by a guy who appears to have no credentials other than that he had a conversation with his wife that didn't go quite right, ever see the light of day much less become a best seller? Here's some of the stuff he says in this book. "The most frequently expressed complaint women have about men is that men don't listen--. When she speaks to him [and she's usually complaining about something], he puts on his Mr. Fix-It cap and offers her a solution to make her feel better--She wants empathy, but he thinks she wants solutions--. The most frequently expressed complaint men have about women is that women are always trying to change them--. She forms a home-improvement committee--She thinks she's nurturing him, while he feels he's being controlled. Instead, he wants her acceptance."

So the book is about how to resolve these two basic differences/problems between men and women. First, he says, we have to imagine that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. One day, long ago, the Martians discovered the Venusians (by looking through telescopes). They fell in love and invented space travel and flew to Venus. Are you with me, Hotel Satire? Okay, the Venusians welcomed them with open arms because they <I>intuitively<D> knew this day would come. The love between them was magical. They reveled in their differences, being from two different worlds. For years they lived in harmony. Then they decided to fly to Earth where the effects of Earth's atmosphere took hold, and one morning everyone woke up with selective amnesia: they forgot they were from two different worlds with different ways of communicating, thinking, and reacting.

Then we learn about life on Mars and Venus. It seems that Martians value power, competency, efficiency, and achievement. A Martian's sense of self comes from his ability to achieve results. They pride themselves in doing things all by themselves. Any unsolicited advice assumes that a Martian doesn't know what to do or that he can't do it on his own. Meanwhile, Venusians value love, communication, beauty, and relationships. They spend their time supporting, helping, and nurturing one another. Their sense of self is defined through their feelings and the quality of their relationships. They are very intuitive, a trait developed through centuries of anticipating the needs of others.

Without understanding these insights, says Dr. Gray; things will never work between the genders. For example, Tom and Mary are driving to a party. Tom is driving, being a Martian. After 20 minutes, he is lost. Mary suggests he call for help. Tom gets upset and offended. She thought she was saying, "I love and care for you, therefore I am offering to help you." He thought she was saying, "I don't trust you to get us there, you are incompetent." Mary had no idea that when Tom became lost, it was a special opportunity to love and support him. After learning about Martians and Venusians, Mary learned to support Tom at such difficult times by not saying anything.

Another example, Mary comes home from an exhausting day. She wants to share her feelings. She says, "There is so much to do, I don't have any time for myself." Tom says, "You should quit that job. You don't have to work so hard. Find something you like to do." Mary says, "But I like my job. I'm not always unhappy. Can't you just listen to me?"

Without knowing about life on Venus, Tom didn't understand how important it was to just listen without offering solutions. When Tom heard about how much Venusians need to talk, he gradually learned to offer empathy and a hug.

This is the most idiotic book I have ever read. Gone is the work of feminists. Gone is any analysis of sexism and the oppression of women which I believe is the result of a partnership between patriarchy and capitalism, patriarchy being defined as a set of social relations which has a material base and in which there are hierarchical relations between men and solidarity among them to enable them to dominate women. Can you explain, Hotel Satire Gal, after years of maligning and ridiculing the important analyses feminists have made, how can such an idiotic analysis about Martians and Venusians get published, much less become so successful?

Signed,

Mystified

Dear Mystified,

First, you need a course in how to write short, concise letters about stupid things, not some nonsense about patriarchy "that has a material base, etc." We can recommend such a course to you. Second, we feel that the assertion that men are from Mars and women from Venus is right on, not to mention new, even though it has no basis in anything, reinforces stereotypes, contradicts itself, and is basically crap. Why? Because it is not about trying to discover the truth about the genders, it's about whether gals are human beings, or something else altogether. It's about whether gals need to attend seminars on a daily basis to help them function in the world or not. It's about preserving men's egos no matter what.

Also, in spite of the fact that Gray says that Venusians, i.e., gals, are into communicating, clearly you need a seminar in how to communicate. Take the one mentioned in the beginning of this column. Also read the Hotel Satire gals' latest book, <I>Men Are From Earth, Gals Are From Outer Space<D>, which can help you understand John Gray's penetrating work.

Dear Hotel Satire Gals,

I am all for the basic women's movement demand that women control their own bodies, but I think when this demand is co-opted by capitalism, it is out of hand. Now, I can't get away from my crotch. Everywhere one turns, even on the TV national news, I'm hearing about women's menstrual cycles, breast problems, and crotch rot. Can't we stop this?

Signed,Enough

Dear Enough,

Get yourself to a seminar of some kind as quickly as possible. Here are some we highly recommend: "Control Your Skin Through High Tech Micro Bubbled Plastoderm Full Service Skin Care" one-day skill seminar; "Control Your Eyes Through New Soft Lenses That Change Your Eye Color With Your Mood" two-day course; "Control Your Lips With Brushes That Say What You Want When You Want" one-week course; Control Your Nails" with courses in polishing pens, identifying stunning new colors, and more"; "Liberate Your Hair," a one-day refresher course in the best way to apply mousse; "Control Your Monthly Flow," with classes in scented pads, stay free protection, and stopping that unsightly in between monthly staining; "Control Your Crotch Order," with classes in spraying vs. plunging vs. douching vs. shoving it up; "Control That Orgasm," with courses in how to fake not having to big an orgasm; how to focus on a vaginal orgasm so he can get more pleasure than you, etc.