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I Am Man, Hear Me Roar
W elcome to Hotel Satire where men are people and gals are decorative domestic appendages. Recently, it has come to our attention that a long-time crisis has come to a head, so to speak. What is it, you ask? Well, it seems that men in droves are having trouble, well, getting it up, if you catch our drift, and are in need of massive amounts of erectile dysfunction curing drugs. How do we know this? From the millions of email advertisements that attest to the enormity of the problem. It’s a pandemic!
A further indication of this mass erectile failure can be found on page A13 of the Boston Globe of May 10. In an article titled “Commander says U.S. troops need to be more sensitive,” journalist James Rainey reports that the U.S. commander in charge of day-day-today military operations, Lt. General Peter Chiarelli, told troops that they need to use “reasonable force” (wha?) and show respect for Iraqi culture (stop it) “in part because the insurgency has persisted and grown.” Chiarelli remarked, “For every one that I kill, I create almost 10 more.”
Chiarelli thinks his message is having a positive effect as there has been a “one-third reduction” in the use of force against Iraqis (noooo) as well as a “50 percent reduction” in Iraqi casualties (outrageous).
Professor Kalev Sepp, at the Navel Postgraduate School in Monterey, California, remarks (in the same article) that U.S. commanders decided a year ago that a lighter, more patient approach was needed, but it “remains an uphill battle to change the entire American Army’s mindset after the Cold War and fighting with the formula of speed and firepower.”
Good grief. At Hotel Satire we are shocked at this unmanly “killing lite” scenario, which is more proof of the burgeoning penile erectile crisis.
Sure, the emasculating crisis has been coming on since the late 1960s gals’ libber movement demanded the right for gals to be men, thereby upsetting the gender hierarchy as ordained by God, himself, via man, who was made in His image—not hers, for Chrissakes! Bad enough men have been asked to stop treating gals as playthings and underlings, now men (and gal troops trying to be men) are being asked to reduce their kill quotas?
Fortunately, there are some positive signs, arising from two different quarters. The first is the trial this spring of Jacob Zuma, the former deputy president of South Africa, who was acquitted of rape, using the “she asked for it defense.” The other positive sign comes from some advertisers who are doing their damnedest to ensure that gals remain the fruit baskets they were ordained to be.
In the case of Jacob Zuma, according to the May 10
New York Times
Zuma stated in his defense that, “his accuser indicated that
she wanted sex by the way she sat while wearing a knee-length skirt…
and that it was his duty as a man to accommodate her.” The
judge in the case ruled that the sex (between 64-year-old Zuma and
the 31-yearold daughter of an associate) was consensual. Thankfully,
Zuma retains enormous public support and may “still run for
president”—in spite of the fact that many feel he was
irresponsible in not wearing a condom—although the concern
was not for the gal (or for the rape), but for Zuma, that he might
Zuma’s acquittal will surely have a positive effect on the Duke Lacrosse rape case. When are gals going to realize that they are always, by definition, asking for it. And that males, by definition, deserve to get it (i.e., have gals at their disposal, anywhere, anytime).
As for advertisers, there are signs that they are no longer pawns of the feminazis in their midst— such as those who must have created the full-page Sprint ad in the NYT of April 13. This disgusting ad features a career gal holding a Sprint Mobile Broadband Card next to the text, “I’m a card-carrying Yes-Man.” Yikes. Look at what gal libbers hath wrought!
Of course, advertisers have always been helpful in defining the genders. For instance, without ads, we’d never know that Mom gals prefer flowers, chocolates, and soft cuddly stuffed teddy bears while Dads prefer golf balls. But these ads have been no challenge to feminazi attempts to liberate gals from their assigned roles.
Fortunately, there are signs that ads will now be more aggressive about restoring men to their proper place at the top of the gender order. How, you ask? Through “behavioral targeting.” In the May 8 New York Times there’s a full-page ad for the FX TV Channel announcing “Demographics + Behavior = DemographFX.” The ad claims that research proves that “lifestyle and purchasing behaviors can be tied to viewing patterns….” Which means “you can buy the best viewers in the television audience for your client.” So if advertisers can sell to certain behaviors, they can surely determine the behaviors they want to sell to. Get it? And the access is “incredible.” According to a multi-page spread in the May 8 NYT issue, called “TV Upfront,” advertisers will be massively expanding their efforts to reach not only the millions who watch TV an average of 30 hours a week, but also the millions of cell phone and Internet users. (President Bush’s very manly collecting of information on millions of U.S. citizens should be helpful to advertisers in their expanded behavior marketing plans.)
This increase in advertising barrages based on pre-determined behaviors will surely help encourage proper galness. Therefore, we were excited to receive an email about a new energy drink called “HER,” the only energy drink formulated specifically for women! (HER is an acronym for Healthy Energy Revitilizer). Appropriately, HER is packaged in a thin, pink can and will fill a “long-empty niche.” Hmm. HER for her and her pink niche, Red Bull for his dwindling you know whats.
But the most exciting challenge to feminazi domination is the latest Burger King TV commercial where we discover one of the reasons behind male erectile dysfunction—female dietary oppression. In the Burger King ad, our young white male hero is dining with his galfriend in an upscale restaurant. The waiter serves tiny unrecognizable morsels on an attractively designed plate. Our hero rises in disgust, and marches, singing, out of the restaurant and heads for a Burger King that (inexplicably) happens to be nearby (hey, we didn’t create this commercial). As he approaches the Burger King, still singing, an African American male emerges with a double whopper in hand, which he extends to the sky in victory (as if prevented by some dominating gal until now; and somewhat reminiscent of the black athletes’ protest at the Mexico City Olympic Games in 1968).
Other men leave their puny (i.e., feminine/ist) meals served by male waitors (possibly gay, clearly “sissies” for staying behind) and join the “protest.” They pass an apartment building where a sheet is unfurled from the window with the words “Eat This Meat” and another appears with the words “I Am Man.”
As men continue to leave their meager feminazi designer meals and join the march/singing, an Asian man (what else?) cracks a concrete block in half with his karate-trained hand; other men burn what appear to be jockstraps (we know it doesn't make sense, but we didn't write this commercial, so lay off). As the crowd of singing militant men marches in the streets, they pass a trio of professional looking males flexing their muscles and a few construction workers ripping into whoppers. It seems this feminist meat-deprivation crosses class and race lines.
The protest ends on a bridge where the crowd manfully pushes what looks like a family van (feminine?) off the side. It lands on a dump truck in the street below being pulled by a “beefy man” who appears to be competing in the Strongest Man competition. He is pulling the truck/van combo toward the prize, which is—you guessed it—a Texas double whopper held like the proverbial carrot and stick by (what else) a beautiful “sexy babe.” Thus, the man is restored to manness through rejecting feminazi meals (which don’t include beef?!) and winning the right to beef and babe (who knows her proper place—beefing up her man).
It was hard to catch some of the words, but we’ve recreated the song as best we can. The question marks represent words we couldn’t quite get. The tune, if you haven’t guessed it, is to Helen Reddy’s feminazi anthem “I Am Woman.”
I am man, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I’m way too hungry to settle for chick food.
’Cause my stomach’s startin’
And I’m going on the prowl
For a Texas Double Whopper,
Man, that’s good
Oh, yes, I’m a guy
I’ll admit I’ve been fed quiche
Oh, weight-loss(?) food bye, bye, Now it’s for whopper beef I reach
I will eat this meat
Until my belly(?) turns into an alley
I am starved, I am incorrigible
And I’m gonna stuff a big burger, beef, bacon, jalapeno, good thing down
I am hungry
I am incorrigible
I am Man
VOICEOVER: The Texas Double Whopper. Eat like a man, Man.
So take that you femcomlesbo gals and your regime of emasculating restaurant meals! We also love the fact that the male liberators for beef are able to take over streets and highways, burn underwear, toss vans off bridges with nary a cop in sight to tear gas, beat heads, and make arrests. That’s because this was a manly protest, rather than those simpering marches for such emasculting things as peace and justice.
While many have commented that this ad is all in fun, these folks clearly don’t get behavioral marketing. We’re certain the “I Am Man” slap in the face will increase the number of young professional males going to Burger King and in the process help free all men everywhere from the erectile dysfuntion pandemic brought on by libber gals demands for such emasculating things as equal rights, equal pay control over their own bodies (puhleaze), and designer meals.
We do feel that the ad could go further than just the demand for the right to a Texas double whopper (as in whop-her). So we have come up with our own commercial, inspired by Burger King, as well as the aforementioned horror of advising our troops in Iraq to be more sensitive about their killing.
Our ad features a U.S. soldier attending one of Lt. Chiarelli’s sensitivity sessions. Our hero rises in disgust and marches to the weapons armory/depot to grab an M-16 or three. He is joined by soldiers leaving other sessions on lite killing and marching from all corners of Iraq, holding their weapon of choice in the air, then burning a few “insurgents,” karate-chopping a few civilians, oops, we mean insurgents, and strafing a town or two before heading to Iran, then on to the U.S.-Mexican border to take on a few civilians, oops, we mean illegals. All the while, singing:
I am man, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
I’m way too manly to settle for
My voice is starting to growl
And I’m going on the prowl
For an Iraqi to give a double
Man, that’s good.
Yes, I’m a guy
And I’ll admit I’ve been fed a lie
So chickie lib bye, bye
Now it’s my M-16 for which I reach
I will kill any Iraqi I meet
And stuff a rifle butt, nuke, grenade down their throats
I am insensitive
I am a killer
I am Man
VOICEOVER: Take a Texas double whopping
Kill like a Man, Man
Don’t you just get chills? Well, goodbye for now from Hotel Satire where men and their big whoppers are back in business, so to speak. As for gals (and Iraq, Iran, etc.), well, they’ve been asking for it and they’re gonna keep getting it.
Lydia Sargent is a co-founder of South End Press and Z Magazine and has been on the staff of Z since 1988.
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CUBAN 5 - From May 30 to June 5, supporters of the Cuban 5 will gather in Washington DC to raise awareness about the case and to demand a humanitarian solution that will allow the return of these men to their homeland.
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BIKES - Bikes Not Bombs is holding its 24th annual Bike- A-Thon and Green Roots Festival in Boston, MA on June 3, with several bike rides, music, exhibitors, and more.
Contact: Bikes Not Bombs, 284 Amory St., Jamaica Plain, MA 02130; 617-522-0222; mailbikesnotbombs.org; www.bikesnotbombs.org.
LEFT FORUM - The 2013 Left Forum will be held June 7-9, at Pace University in NYC.
Contact: 365 Fifth Avenue, CUNY Graduate Center, Sociology Dept., New York, NY 10016; http://www.leftforum.org/.
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ADC CONFERENCE - The American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee (ADC) holds its annual conference June 13-16 in Washington, DC, with panel discussions and workshops.
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CUBA/SOCIALISM - A Cuban-North American Dialog on Socialist Renewal and Global Capitalist Crisis will be held in Havana, Cuba, June 16-30. There will be a 5-day Seminar at the University of Havana, plus visits to a co-op and educational and medical institutions.
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NETROOTS - The 8th Annual Netroots Nation conference will take place June 20-23 in San Jose, CA. The event features panels, trainings, networking, screenings, and keynotes.
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MEDIA - The 15th annual Allied Media Conference will be held June 20-23, in Detroit.
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GRASSROOTS - The United We Stand Festival will be hosted by Free & Equal, June 22 in Little Rock, Arkansas. The festival aims to reform the electoral process in the U.S.
LITERACY - The National Association for Media Literacy Education (NAMLE) will hold its conference July 12-13 in Los Angeles.
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IWW - The North American Work People’s College will take place July 12-16 at Mesaba Co-op Park in northern Minnesota. The event will bring together Wobblies from across the continent to learn skills and build one big union.
PEACESTOCK - On July 13, the 11th Annual Peacestock will take place at Windbeam Farm in Hager City, WI. The event is a mixture of music, speakers, and community for peace. Sponsored by Veterans for Peace.
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LA RAZA - The annual National Council of La Raza (NCLR) Conference is scheduled for July 18-19 in New Orleans, with workshops, presentations, and panel discussions.
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