I Am Man, Hear Me Roar

Zuma’s acquittal will surely have a positive effect on the Duke Lacrosse rape case. When are gals going to realize that they are always, by definition, asking for it. And that males, by definition, deserve to get it (i.e., have gals at their disposal, anywhere, anytime). 

As for advertisers, there are signs that they are no longer pawns of the feminazis in their midst— such as those who must have created the full-page Sprint ad in the NYT of April 13. This disgusting ad features a career gal holding a Sprint Mobile Broadband Card next to the text, “I’m a card-carrying Yes-Man.” Yikes. Look at what gal libbers hath wrought! 

Of course, advertisers have always been helpful in defining the genders. For instance, without ads, we’d never know that Mom gals prefer flowers, chocolates, and soft cuddly stuffed teddy bears while Dads prefer golf balls. But these ads have been no challenge to feminazi attempts to liberate gals from their assigned roles. 

Fortunately, there are signs that ads will now be more aggressive about restoring men to their proper place at the top of the gender order. How, you ask? Through “behavioral targeting.” In the May 8 New York Times there’s a full-page ad for the FX TV Channel announcing “Demographics + Behavior = DemographFX.” The ad claims that research proves that “lifestyle and purchasing behaviors can be tied to viewing patterns….” Which means “you can buy the best viewers in the television audience for your client.” So if advertisers can sell to certain behaviors, they can surely determine the behaviors they want to sell to. Get it? And the access is “incredible.” According to a multi-page spread in the May 8 NYT issue, called “TV Upfront,” advertisers will be massively expanding their efforts to reach not only the millions who watch TV an average of 30 hours a week, but also the millions of cell phone and Internet users. (President Bush’s very manly collecting of information on millions of U.S. citizens should be helpful to advertisers in their expanded behavior marketing plans.) 

This increase in advertising barrages based on pre-determined behaviors will surely help encourage proper galness. Therefore, we were excited to receive an email about a new energy drink called “HER,” the only energy drink formulated specifically for women! (HER is an acronym for Healthy Energy Revitilizer). Appropriately, HER is packaged in a thin, pink can and will fill a “long-empty niche.” Hmm. HER for her and her pink niche, Red Bull for his dwindling you know whats. 

But the most exciting challenge to feminazi domination is the latest Burger King TV commercial where we discover one of the reasons behind male erectile dysfunction—female dietary oppression. In the Burger King ad, our young white male hero is dining with his galfriend in an upscale restaurant. The waiter serves tiny unrecognizable morsels on an attractively designed plate. Our hero rises in disgust, and marches, singing, out of the restaurant and heads for a Burger King that (inexplicably) happens to be nearby (hey, we didn’t create this commercial). As he approaches the Burger King, still singing, an African American male emerges with a double whopper in hand, which he extends to the sky in victory (as if prevented by some dominating gal until now; and somewhat reminiscent of the black athletes’ protest at the Mexico City Olympic Games in 1968). 

Other men leave their puny (i.e., feminine/ist) meals served by male waitors (possibly gay, clearly “sissies” for staying behind) and join the “protest.” They pass an apartment building where a sheet is unfurled from the window with the words “Eat This Meat” and another appears with the words “I Am Man.” 

As men continue to leave their meager feminazi designer meals and join the march/singing, an Asian man (what else?) cracks a concrete block in half with his karate-trained hand; other men burn what appear to be jockstraps (we know it doesn't make sense, but we didn't write this commercial, so lay off). As the crowd of singing militant men marches in the streets, they pass a trio of professional looking males flexing their muscles and a few construction workers ripping into whoppers. It seems this feminist  meat-deprivation crosses class and race lines.

The protest ends on a bridge where the crowd manfully pushes what looks like a family van (feminine?) off the side. It lands on a dump truck in the street below being pulled by a “beefy man” who appears to be competing in the Strongest Man competition. He is pulling the truck/van combo toward the prize, which is—you guessed it—a Texas double whopper held like the proverbial carrot and stick by (what else) a beautiful “sexy babe.” Thus, the man is restored to manness through rejecting feminazi meals (which don’t include beef?!) and winning the right to beef and babe (who knows her proper place—beefing up her man). 

It was hard to catch some of the words, but we’ve recreated the song as best we can. The question marks represent words we couldn’t quite get. The tune, if you haven’t guessed it, is to Helen Reddy’s feminazi  anthem “I Am Woman.” 

So take that you femcomlesbo gals and your regime of emasculating restaurant meals! We also love the fact that the male liberators for beef are able to take over streets and highways, burn underwear, toss vans off bridges with nary a cop in sight to tear gas, beat heads, and make arrests. That’s because this was a manly protest, rather than those simpering  marches for such  emasculting things as peace and justice. 

While many have commented that this ad is all in fun, these folks clearly don’t get behavioral marketing. We’re certain the “I Am Man” slap in the face will increase the number of young professional males going to Burger King and in the process help free all men everywhere from the erectile dysfuntion pandemic brought on by libber gals demands for such emasculating things as equal rights, equal pay control over their own bodies (puhleaze), and designer meals. 

We do feel that the ad could go further than just the demand for the right to a Texas double whopper (as in whop-her). So we have come up with our own commercial, inspired by Burger King, as well as the aforementioned horror of advising our troops in Iraq to be more sensitive about their killing. 

Our ad features a U.S. soldier attending one of Lt. Chiarelli’s sensitivity sessions. Our hero rises in disgust and marches to the weapons armory/depot to grab an M-16 or three. He is joined by soldiers leaving other sessions on lite killing and marching from all corners of Iraq, holding their weapon of choice in the air, then burning a few “insurgents,” karate-chopping a few civilians, oops, we mean insurgents, and strafing a town or two before heading to Iran, then on to the U.S.-Mexican border to take on a few civilians, oops, we mean illegals. All the while, singing: 

Don’t you just get chills? Well, goodbye for now from Hotel Satire where men and their big whoppers are back in business, so to speak. As for gals (and Iraq, Iran, etc.), well, they’ve been asking for it and they’re gonna keep getting it.