Imageless

Gals. Welcome to Hotel Satire, where men are people, and everyone else is decoration, entertainment, servant, and refreshment. No exceptions.

But that's not what we've got, is it? Instead we've got gals trying to be, well, people. This has got to stop. Gals need to get back to being gals. Who better to reestablish the proper, defined-by-God, image than our new first lady, Laura Bush. We were reading about her in People, where we Hotel Satire gals go for in-depth information. Laura “likes Tex- Mex, Van Morrison, and drugstore makeup.” Plus, says George Two, “she doesn't steal the limelight”—plus there was that incident where she drove through a stoplight 37 years ago and her friend was killed, but why bring that up now?

But instead of the Laura B image—food, makeup, homocidal driving, and invisible—we have grotesque feminists, led by Hillary  no doubt, defining gals' images. It's everywhere—especially in those ultra libfemme magazines. Take for instance a magazine ad for plastic surgery. The text next to a closeup of a gals' face reads, “As a child I was defined by others. As a woman I define myself” (Ellen Mahony, board certified plastic surgeon).” Wha?

Now don't get us wrong. It's not that plastic surgery is bad per se. The gals and I go often. Trudie uses Dr. Stephen Davis (see ad) whose “favorite operation is lipsculpting, breast enhancement, and new uses for fat injections and Botox.” I prefer Dr. Lyle Back (Ly for short) whose favorite pastime is weight training and studying Roman history (it would be) and whose favorite operation is an eyelid lift to “put the twinkle back in your eye.”

Gals, let's be clear. Plastic surgery is for improving your decorative/entertainment/servile functions not for DEFINING YOURSELVES AS WOMEN. There is no defining because there is no self!!! Period.

Another example of this rampant gals-taking-control of their images can be found in Virginia Slims ads. One in particular, threatens western civilization as we know it. Why? Because it depicts a gal looking off into space (femmelesbo behavior for sure) with the text that reads, “I made a promise to bring romance back into my life, to kiss negativity goodbye, and love the dawning of each new day. Virginia Slims. Find your voice.” Is that unbelievable? Gals, have you learned nothing from this column over the last 14 years? There is no finding your voice because there's no looking for your voice. Because you have no voice. Your man does the talking, you nit. Nuff said.

In line with the gal who is finding her voice (i.e., lesbian, communist, facist, whatever) there is the gal who has the nerve to use her intuition to invest her cash, as in the SalomonSmithBarney ad above. This gal is gaining knowledge and a bank account, two things gals should never acquire. Also, a gal's intuition is never a powerful tool. If it were, men would have it. Intuition was given to gals so they could intuit what guy's want. That's it.