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Gals. Welcome to Hotel Satire, where men are people, and everyone else is decoration, entertainment, servant, and refreshment. No exceptions.
But that's not what we've got, is it? Instead we've got gals trying to be, well, people. This has got to stop. Gals need to get back to being gals. Who better to reestablish the proper, defined-by-God, image than our new first lady, Laura Bush. We were reading about her in People, where we Hotel Satire gals go for in-depth information. Laura “likes Tex- Mex, Van Morrison, and drugstore makeup.” Plus, says George Two, “she doesn't steal the limelight”—plus there was that incident where she drove through a stoplight 37 years ago and her friend was killed, but why bring that up now?
But instead of the Laura B image—food, makeup, homocidal driving, and invisible—we have grotesque feminists, led by Hillary no doubt, defining gals' images. It's everywhere—especially in those ultra libfemme magazines. Take for instance a magazine ad for plastic surgery. The text next to a closeup of a gals' face reads, “As a child I was defined by others. As a woman I define myself” (Ellen Mahony, board certified plastic surgeon).” Wha?
Now don't get us wrong. It's not that plastic surgery is bad per se. The gals and I go often. Trudie uses Dr. Stephen Davis (see ad) whose “favorite operation is lipsculpting, breast enhancement, and new uses for fat injections and Botox.” I prefer Dr. Lyle Back (Ly for short) whose favorite pastime is weight training and studying Roman history (it would be) and whose favorite operation is an eyelid lift to “put the twinkle back in your eye.”
Gals, let's be clear. Plastic surgery is for improving your decorative/entertainment/servile functions not for DEFINING YOURSELVES AS WOMEN. There is no defining because there is no self!!! Period.
Another example of this rampant gals-taking-control of their images can be found in Virginia Slims ads. One in particular, threatens western civilization as we know it. Why? Because it depicts a gal looking off into space (femmelesbo behavior for sure) with the text that reads, “I made a promise to bring romance back into my life, to kiss negativity goodbye, and love the dawning of each new day. Virginia Slims. Find your voice.” Is that unbelievable? Gals, have you learned nothing from this column over the last 14 years? There is no finding your voice because there's no looking for your voice. Because you have no voice. Your man does the talking, you nit. Nuff said.
In line with the gal who is finding her voice (i.e., lesbian, communist, facist, whatever) there is the gal who has the nerve to use her intuition to invest her cash, as in the SalomonSmithBarney ad above. This gal is gaining knowledge and a bank account, two things gals should never acquire. Also, a gal's intuition is never a powerful tool. If it were, men would have it. Intuition was given to gals so they could intuit what guy's want. That's it.
There's more. Gals are constantly being encouraged to take control of themselves—through empowering articles giving gals info about such earth shattering things as “down-there hair care.” Marilyn Monroe wanted to be blond all over, a clearly revolutionary demand. Now, all gals are able to get down-there color, along with their bikini waxes. Let us assure you, this is scary news. It's a short hop from dying the pubic patch to a feminist coup d'etat.
In addition, gals are making such militant demands as, “cover me with something that understands my body language.” Excuse me, Gal, but who told you life was about understanding your body language, or anything else about you, for that matter. Your job is not to be understood but to stand under, as in be subsumed.
Even Barbie has been empowered with a, thank goodness, limited edition corporate Barbie: “Barbie means business,” she's “poised and ready to conquer the final frontier—corporate America.” This is outrageous. Barbie as CEO, CEO as Barbie. The mind boggles at the implications.
What, then, should gals do to reclaim the image they were born with—that's taken millions of years to cultivate? Well, you can acquire the Laura Bush Tex- Mex/drugstore makeup/out of the limelight image, but we prefer getting wrapped from head to toe—like a decorative package—(see gal in the above car ad). Combine this with being upside down in a grassy field like dandelions, being watered by a man, and you've got the perfect image for today's gal. Z
Thanks to Z Readers for car, Slims, and plastic surgery ads