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Make The Switch
There are a lot of reasons for border patrols and border wars, a lot of empty-headed and tight-fisted justifications for keeping the thems out and the uses in.
That's not what I'm here to talk about. I'm not here to attack or defend the nonlogic that has been robustly proliferated to propagate the mentality that the haves deserve to have while the nots deserve to not. Whatever.
I'm here to offer solutions. We here in Tucson have a problem with what they call urban sprawl. It's like when you drop a scoop of ice cream on the sidewalk in August. After about 35 seconds, it begins to sprawl. That's what's happening in Tucson. Sprawl.
Now we've got the Double Fudge Nut Housing Community and the Super Chocolate Chunk Mall way out where there used to be a lot of saguaros or mountains or some shit. (Note to the developers: better make that the El Super Chocolate Mall and the Vista del Double Fudge Nut Housing Community, this is the southwest and even though our noble leaders seem to hate Mexican people they sure love to spruce up our shopping plazas and civic centers with quaint and colorful words and images of the people whose land this once was.)
Right. So the nature people (mostly Sierra Club members who want to keep their choice spot on the edge of the desert) have been getting their (organic unbleached cotton) pants in a bunch over this sprawl shizznit and are doing their civic duty trying to make more laws about this and that and everything between here and yours is mine but the rest gets to stay undeveloped, except when it gets developed or somebody comes in and makes a new law or finds a loophole in the first law or invalidates it or ignores it for 6 years or 60,000 miles, whichever's bestest for the richest.
What they've done to address the issue is to make up a merry-go-round of coalitions, like the Concerned Citizens for Stable Growth and the Stable Citizens Concerned About Growth, and the Growing Citizens Stable of Concerns to cook up a lot of propositions with equally abstruse names and now we're suffering from coalition-proposition sprawl.
The brunt of this gobbledygook is that the developers take a lot of heat. Which is all peaches and pie, but mostly it's just restating what they said in the first place. “We can stop development by stopping developers.” Yeah. Put it on a sign and walk around in a circle for awhile and see if you feel dizzy.
Folks, this ain't the field of dreams. Build it and they will come—you got to be kidding. This is big money we're talking about. No one's building shit unless they know there's already people waiting to move in—and people just keep moving in.
So where do they come from? Quick geography quiz. Where do all rich white people come from and what is it that makes them so rich and so white?
Dudes, you're guarding the wrong border. Look at the subdivisions, the malls. What kind of people do you see? That's right, white people. Rich white people who like to go to El Super Chocolate Chunk Mall to buy pictures of cute Indian children to put in their adobe homes in Vista del Double Fudge Nut Housing Community to remind themselves of what it was like before their Viking-ass ancestors came to rape and pillage.
Now, look at the people we're spending so much money trying to keep out, the ones that show up dead in the desert. I saw pictures of some of them in the Tucson Post not too long ago, and they didn't look rich or white to me.
So kids, it's simple. All we gotta do to bring sprawl to a crawl is just switch which border we're guarding. We've got the troops, and I'm sure some ranchers from Yuma to Carson City will all be more than happy to pop any unwanted Calis trying to swim across the Colorado river.
We don't have to worry about the Mexicans. None of them will be moving into Vista del Double Nut Fudge Nut any time soon. History has shown that it's poor hardworking immigrants that have built America up and rich white leeches who have sucked it dry. So why are we killing the one and giving tax incentives to the other? We've got it all backwards, folks. Let's switch it around.
Think of what a wonderful world it would be. Z
Ron Galaktik writes a column for a small paper in the Southwest.