Modest Proposal for the Government of Canada

A Modest Proposal for the Government of Canada

Incentivized Suicide as a means to finance unwarranted expenditures at public expense

Therefore I repeat, let no man talk to me of these and the like expedients, 'till he hath at least some glimpse of hope, that there will ever be some hearty and sincere attempt to put them into practice.

                                                                                    Jonathon Swift 1729   

For the personal and undivided attention of our most Honourable Members:

This proposal is submitted forthwith for your most urgent consideration in solving Canada’s recently hatched fiscal crisis. Being a socially progressive body of legislators we trust you will find the following worthy of … ahem..Swift passage as you have a proven propensity in this regard.

There can be little doubt the growth in Canada’s aging population and the inconvenient tendency for old people to live longer is a dire threat to the health of our national treasury. The following proposal has multiple benefits as not only will it cut down the exorbitant amount our country spends on pensions, it will create a new source of  tax revenue, vastly cut Medicare costs, eliminate the unfortunate disproportion of old folks in our society and help younger families. For the Government of Canada this proposal is a win, win, win, situation,that will no doubt appeal to such esteemed legislators as you.

The proposal herein is to initiate a Universal Incentivized Suicide Plan( UISP) There would be financial incentives administered by the Government of Canada to have people as they reach retirement age to do themselves in.

Example1: A healthy male of 65 years (we’ll call him Joe Blow) whose parents lived to be an average of 90 years would receive lump sum death benefits of 80% of the value of his pension benefits he would have drawn between 65 and 90 should he be willing to do himself in at age 65. Thus, if as projected he lived to 90 the government would have saved 20% of the money he would have received.  Big win for the government a 20% saving!

Example 2: If Joe decided he didn’t want to throw in the towel at 65 he would have the option of drawing death benefits at 70 and every 5 years thereafter until he might be so audacious as to die a natural death. But each time he passed over this opportunity the death benefit would be reduced proportionately. Joe has missed his chance to cash out big time.  Not so big a win for the government.  Joe’s procrastination is costing them money!

Example 3: Joe might be motivated to absolutely screw the government and live beyond his life expectancy of 90, roaring on to the ripe old age of 100.  Government loses big time!

Example 4: Joe’s wife wants the money up front so pushes him down the stairs. Big win for the government!

Example 5: Joe’s daughter pushes mom down the stairs. She wants all the money upfront.  Big win for the government!

Example 6: Joe and his wife both gone. Government saves big time on Medicare and OAS. Big big win for the government!

Example 7:  Daughter is taxed on death benefits received from parent’s estate. Another big win for the government!

 Needless to say actuaries will have to work out all the details such that savings to the Government of Canada will be maximized and the death benefits will have to be just sufficiently generous as to lure normally healthy people to do themselves in. Peerless social engineers will have to put a price tag on our seniors.

Everybody will of course have to have a note from their doctor to prove their good health as the program is designed to get rid of the healthy people who live too long and cost too much. Sick people will have their death benefit handicapped according to the disease they suffer.

Example 8: If you have terminal cancer you get zippo.  If you have a runny nose you might get 98% of the benefit paid to a fully healthy person. 

 This program will allow the Government of Canada to free up revenues for such urgent expenditures as prisons we don’t need and fighter jets that are technically flawed and over-priced.

 It will insure esteemed legislators can keep their gold plated million dollar pensions as they slide into their luxurious retirement years.

It will insure the government does not have to betray its homage to the corporate welfare state.

It will allow the government to continue to subsidize the energy sector in its habitual profiteering.

This will allow the government to further indulge itself in mimicking the insidious American police-security state.

This will allow the government more latitude to import the worst aspects of the American Republican Party to Canada.  The idolatry is manifest.

This will allow esteemed legislators to further indulge their crippled  ideological peccadillos at taxpayer expense.

We, the people, the fat cat public purse, are committed to indulging our  government’s  every need and make every sacrifice.

Canada is world renowned for its comprehensive Medicare system. Now our socially innovative and progressive esteemed legislators can introduce the new social contract-the UISP- which will no doubt have international appeal. 

 As always, for Queen and country we stand on guard for thee

Robert Billyard, Mission BC

I am a working senior being taxed at 30% with insufficient retirement income. My good health is my biggest asset. This is thanks to my mother’s excellent genes(lived ‘til she was ninety and never sick) and our excellent national Medicare system. I will be around long after this government rots in hell!