NewSpeak

Fairness For Logging Companies

In the past few years, environmental groups have adopted a tactic of bidding on Federal timber lands to preserve old growth trees from rampaging chainsaws. Clever strategy you say? Completely legal? Wrong, according to an "unauthorized" letter from Agriculture Undersecretary James Lyons denying the acceptability of "non-harvesting bids." The draft letter with Lyons's signature pointed out two devastating flaws barring the non-logging of public forest tracts. First, it costs money to produce environmental impact statements on logging. The letter points out that "It would be a wasteful use of public monies and contrary to the public interest," to produce reports on logging impacts and then sell the land to non-loggers. (Think of the bureaucrats whose feelings would be hurt.) Secondly, we might be encouraging unfair competition because "non-harvesting bidders would have few, if any, operating or personnel costs..." Hardly fair to send Weyerhauser up against the economic clout of Earth First.

(AP 5/15)

Fellowship in High Places

For those who’ve worried that national politicians have been skimming all the corporate payoffs, there’s good news. A select group of 100 corporations has been giving millions to the National Governor’s Association. These corporate "fellows," as they are called, include firms like AT&T, Exxon, General Motors, Dow, and Phillip Morris. In return for their largesse, they receive special briefings, their own work and meeting space at annual conventions, and the opportunity to help shape policy in staff meetings. According to an NGA fact sheet, this allows executives to "become better acquainted with governors’ staffs and to share common interests." Like backgammon and stamp collecting, I presume. The Governor’s group defends this practice as being perfectly legal and "aimed only at getting the best advice on important issues." What ogres would want to deprive our governors of the wisest counsel? NGA meetings are open to the public, although unfortunately, possibly due to a lack of publicity, only lobbyists have bothered to attend.

(NYT 5/17)

New Wine Into Old Bags

Michael Bromwich, inspector general for the U.S. Justice Department, demonstrated in testimony before the House why we need trained professionals running our government. While discussing allegations that FBI lab technicians deliberately gave false testimony in major trials, Bromwitch brought sharp clarity to two phrases often carelessly bandied about—perjury and fabricated evidence. Although he said the Justice Department "found instances where examiners gave inaccurate or misleading testimony," it turns out, luckily, this is not perjury. Nor were the instances of "testimonial errors, substandard analytical work and deficient practices" or the fact that "three explosives unit examiners altered, omitted or improperly supplemented...internal reports," to be read as signs of fabricated evidence. Even when they all favored the prosecution. Could be coincidence. It’s refreshing to find such creativity in our government officials.

(AP 5/13)

Elvis To Be Resurrected

Elvis Presley Enterprises has announced plans to bring the singer back to life. To accomplish this feat they have signed on International Creative Management, a firm looking to "broker" Presley’s image. ICM president, Jeffrey Berg, promises to create "more resonant relationships" with ETE’s marketing partners by taking advantage of new digital imaging technology allowing the reborn Presley to, in the Wall Street Journal<D>’s words, "display products and interact with them in television ads." Thanks to the digital technology, as demonstrated in a recent Dirt Devil Vacuum commercial with Fred Astaire, many of us will be able to look forward to a useful afterlife filled with "resonant relationships" and interactions with commercial products on TV. (Who said God was dead?) ICM is reportedly looking beyond just commercials for Presley. In the works: an Elvis cable channel, an Elvis stage musical, Elvis on ice, and an Elvis theme casino in Las Vegas.

(WSJ 5/12)

The Son of Reefer Madness, Part II

Buried somewhere in last year’s welfare reform bill was $250 million to teach children sexual abstinence. This money is given to local government programs teaching that sex outside of marriage "is likely to have harmful psychological and physical effects." How harmful, you ask? A joint report by the Applied Research Center and the Public Media Center found these gems. In a funded educational video, a student asks, "What if I want to have sex before I get married?" An instructor answers, "Well I guess you’ll just have to prepare to die. And you’ll probably take with you your spouse and your children." (Much worse than the blindness masturbation used to cause.) Another educational effort warns of the link between abortion and child abuse, stating "after one has aborted a child, an individual loses instinctual control over rage." Fortunately, according to Amy Stevens of Friends of the Family, "These programs are not fear-based efforts..." Thank heaven for small favors. To be on the safe side, do lock your doors securely against possible hordes of crazed women.

(NYT 5/8)

Sin Runs Rampant in Brigham City

Parents in Brigham City, Utah, unearthed a plot to indoctrinate their children in "pro-gay ideology and same sex marriage." Before an emergency meeting of the school board and the city council, they brought forth evidence that kindergarten teacher Renee Mott had been leading her class in the game, The Farmer in the Dell, and had allowed girls to play the part of the farmer. But, it gets worse. Since there were more girls than boys in her class, Mott let some of the girls dance together when it came time for the line, "the farmer takes a wife." But her ploy did not escape eagle-eyed parents like Janabell Millett, who declared, "I know these things may happen in other places, but this is Brigham City. We can’t let that kind of pollution into our town." Another parent, Lisa Perkins, revealed The Farmer in the Dell game was "upsetting the natural order of things." The city council concurred and ruled "the farmer" must be a boy, although "the cheese" that stands alone at the end will be a girl.

(AP 5/8)

TV Fills the Void

Finding a mere seven hours a day of television viewing leaves nine underutilized hours, TV networks are reaching out to help give viewers something to do wherever they go. People in shopping mall food courts can watch the Cafe USA channel. At the bowling alley you can watch Strike 10 and then go to the video arcade for Channel M. Or if you decide to golf, you can catch Pinpoint Golf Advertising at our better courses. At the airport, the CNN Airport network is there to meet your viewing needs, as will the Better Health Network at your doctor’s office. There’s even a kid’s network called Cartoon Cuts for those wasted 15 minutes spent getting a haircut. Better hotels, like Hilton’s, now have TVs in their elevators because it breaks up a socially "awkward situation." Answering critics’ complaints of being forcibly bombarded by TV, John McMenamin, Turner Private Network’s CEO said, "We don’t think of it as targeting captive audiences. We only want to do this where there is a meaningful fit between environment, audience and the content of the programs." Who could argue against a "meaningful fit?"

(WP 5/5)

McChildcare

Business is taking an interest in the poor, thanks to the Welfare Reform Bill which eliminated the word "nonprofit" from the requirements for childcare. The $3.8 billion a year the government spends on foster care for a half million children has drawn a flood of big corporations from Lockheed Martin to Youth Services International (established by the founder of Jiffy Lube). This opening of childcare to major corporations is described by its chief lobbyist, the head of the Au Clair school, Kenneth Mazik, as a minor adjustment that "levels the playing field." It’s reassuring to know that Lockheed Martin will have a level playing field when competing against church groups. For-profit companies promise to introduce new efficiencies into foster care. For example, Youth Services International promises to reduce costs by having the children do more of the work. Child labor, I believe it’s called. It’s this kind of innovative thinking that makes the entry of airplane and auto lubing companies into childcare so necessary.

(NYT 5/4)

Ten Commandments For Sale

There’s good news for supporters of Judge Roy Moore’s campaign to allow prayer and the display of the Ten Commandments in his Alabama courtroom. With Governor James threatening to call out National Guard troops in his defense, Judge Moore has, in the words of the Christian Family Association, openly "defied the ACLU." And lived to tell about it, we might add. Now for the good news. To aid Moore’s cause, the Christian Family Association is now selling 20-inch versions of the Ten Commandments, carved in stone (not the original stone), for only $149.95. Or you can order smaller versions for $49.95 or $24.95. And for a mere $5 you can purchase "a beautiful full color print of the Ten Commandments." Unfortunately the bonus slicers and dicers are all sold out. Hurry now and help support a judge who "will not bend to (the ACLU’s) wishes..."

(AP 5/9, http://www. judgemoore. org/)

Employees Gain Recognition

A survey of 900 corporations by the American Management Association found that employers are taking a keen interest in the work of their employees. In fact, 67 percent of the firms were so interested in their workers that they practiced surveillance. The most widespread practice was monitoring phone calls, practiced by 37 percent of the firms. Growing in popularity are the practices of videotaping employees at work (16 percent) and reading e-mail and computer files (15 percent). Many companies (23 percent) assist their workers by not informing them of the surveillance and thus not adding to their information overload. Critics of these management tools say it amounts to spying. But this is a simple misunderstanding according to Eric Greenberg, author of the AMA study, who "bristled" at the use of the term "spying." "The focus here is on security and employee performance," Greenberg said, "not on spying." He suggests the term "monitoring" be used instead. Or you may prefer Bellsouth Corp.’s more delicate "observations."

(AP 5/22, WP 5/24)

Big Brother in the Washroom

Corporations can now ensure their employees have clean hands thanks to an invention called Hygiene Guard. For a mere $1,500, Hygiene Guard can be installed in any washroom. Employees need only wear a small badge. When they enter the restroom an infared sensor is triggered. A second sensor at the washstand is triggered if the employee stands in front of it for at least 15 seconds. This information is then relayed to a computer. Failure to use the soap dispenser causes the badge to blink, alerting all to the unhygienic condition. NetTech International says this system will alert employers to "miscreants who don’t enter the lavatory all day or use it too much." NetTech CEO Glenn Cohen defends their invention on public health grounds, actually declaring, "Our belief is its time for Big Brother to be concerned." Well, he is.

(WSJ 5/20, AP 5/20)

Union Relations, Northwest

How does a hip, post-therapy aged Seattle latte company view employees who protest working conditions? Starbuck’s has been facing an "unstrike" by employees in the province of British Columbia. Unionized workers have continued on the job but have been handing out leaflets to customers and wearing union buttons. Senior vice-president Wanda Herndon says, "It is very disappointing that we have a fraction of our partners who want to have a third party that would come between our relationship." The "partners," as Starbuck’s calls its employees, earn the minimum wage in British Columbia, U.S.$5.15 an hour. The shameless "homewrecker" is the Canadian Auto Workers, who now organize service workers and have even threatened Starbuck’s with a strike. In words that reportedly caused Henry Ford to roll over in his grave, Herndon responded, "(Starbuck’s Chair) Howard Schultz is heartbroken that this has occurred because we have a really wonderful and unique relationship with our partners."

(Seattle Times 5/25)

Automating Willy Lohman

The Internet is finally developing a way to make advertising work on the Web—search engines that deliver customized ads. At Excite, a search for a word like "car" will lead to the delivery of a banner ad for Acura. Not only can sites trigger ads to preprogrammed words, but they are developing the capabilities to track people as they surf the Web to determine which ads should be delivered to them. Even more exciting is a development by a company called BlackSun—automated spokespeople. BlackSun has developed the software for 3-D chat rooms in which visual cartoon-like characters interact. Into this arena they send ad robots for participating companies, designed to appear when specific words are used by chat room participants. It’s "immersive advertising." Just drop the word "clean" into your discussion and ad robot Dusty the Dustbuster will invite you for a private chat about his favorite vacuum cleaner. Not only can you program the robot’s dialogue, but says BlackSun, "you can program a robot’s humanness." Programming humanness? Spock, help me on this?

(Knight-Ridder 5/28, WSJ 4/24)

Ad Agencies Have Worries Too

Advertisers in their search for emotionally compelling ideas are running into a roadblock. It’s getting harder and harder to reach consumers who are hit by an estimated 245 commercial TV messages a day. David Lubars, ad executive with the Omnicom Group, complains that consumers "are like roaches—you spray them and spray them and they get immune after awhile." A truly humbling simile. Meanwhile, to get around this resistance, advertisers have long relied on focus groups to get at consumers real feelings about products. Now even this approach is failing because, says the Wall Street Journal<D>, over saturated consumers "display an alarming tendency to regurgitate ad-world lingo..." Ask and people will now say they like Sanka because of its "full bodied aroma." Apparently advertisers have done there work too well. In the quest for spontaneous or "naked" subconscious reactions to base new ad campaigns on, researchers are now turning to scanning eyeball movements and using hypnosis. It’s a tough job getting past the conditioning your own ads have inflicted.  

(WSJ 5/30)

Brave New Health Care

Richard Scott has turned Columbia/HCA into the McDonald’s of the health industry, with 348 hospitals flying its banner. Now the Wall Street Journal<D> has been kind enough to make us privy to Scott’s grand vision of the future of healthcare. "It is a world," reports the WSJ<D>, "in which diseases from cancer to diabetes to manic-depression become profitable ‘product lines’ for businesses like his..." Columbia, for example, now offers eight "product lines" for cancer, cardiology, diabetes, etc. Individual doctors are to be replaced by disease management programs that standardize treatment, thus allowing lower priced health technicians to punch into a computer and come up with treatment plans. In Scott’s world, executives produce sentences like the following: "The disease management approach would give the company a competitive edge with managed care in marketing these lines."

(WSJ 5/28)

Cleanliness Is Next To Godliness

The CIA found to its surprise that after promising to open its files on our many overthrows of governments, like that of Iran in 1953, the cupboards were bare. The records had already been destroyed. Brian Latell, a CIA official, revealed that CIA higher ups had told the keepers of the Iran records that their "safes were too full and they needed to clean them out." Few people are aware of the CIA’s dedication to cleanliness. And sadly the money-strapped agency could only afford a few safes, so tidiness was of paramount importance. But disregarding this reasonable interpretation is a former CIA historian, Professor Nick Cullaher, who claims the records were obliterated by a "culture of destruction." The CIA harboring a "culture of destruction?" I do hope he was just referring to the paper shredding.

(NYT 5/29)

Respectable Panhandling

Congratulations are due to Rep. Susan Molinari for her promotion from Congress to a Saturday morning news anchor job with CBS. No more panhandling from multinational media giants. But it raises an interesting question. Given the daily fundraising politicians engage in and their willingness to run errands for big corporations, just how low has the job’s reputation fallen? Well, Sam Walker, a professor of criminal justice and an ACLU advisor, has a backhanded answer. He uses politicians’ behavior to defend the rights of panhandlers. "You cannot draw a line between making a political speech and asking for money. Panhandlers have a right to talk to someone else about their condition. It’s like talking about a political party." It certainly is. The once existing difference between public representation and pandering to those with ready cash has dissolved. The destitute pleading for spare change certainly should enjoy the same rights as the representatives they mimic.

(AP 5/30)