Oh, Promise Me

People. And you gals. Lots of inspiring things have happened recently. Two, in particular, stand out. One is the welcome sight of hundreds of thousands of mostly white men gathering together to worship God, who is also white and male (not to mention heterosexual),  which makes white heterosexual males superior to everyone else. By the way, God promised white males that they could run the family, as well as the government and the Internet, and  dole out the money to gals and children as they see fit. This is no fault of the white male, it’s just the way God promised it and he keeps his promises.

Lately (since 1969 or so) gals and non-white men have questioned the chain of command, laid down by God’s son on a visit to earth, that is the cornerstone of true democracy. Rather than send Jesus again, God has sent a football coach, Bill McCartney, to get things back to normal, i.e., gathering guys together in football stadiums to scream, cry, bond, and promise to throw some cash McCartney’s/God's way. After many millions of men have done this, things will hopefully go back to normal—restoring the chain of command as ordained by God almost two centuries ago.

Speaking of centuries ago, the other outstanding event was seeing that acclaimed one-man show Defending the Caveman, starring Rob Becker and currently playing in Boston. Becker’s theme is soooo insightful: Men are hunters, women are gatherers. Feminists and the men who love them have gone too far in papering over this basic difference between men and women.

Says the Boston Globe about Becker's : "Hunters are narrowly focused on the task at hand, such as the athletic events they partake in, which can be summarized as ‘Kill the man with the ball.’ Gatherers see the world in wider terms and take in many stimuli. Their guiding principle, he [Becker] implies, is shop till you drop."

Never has a return to the caveman been more needed. Listen to this: In a poll taken of 902 registered voters before the Promise Keepers latest rally in Washington, 83 percent felt that men and women should share family leadership equally; 15 percent said men should lead the family; 1 percent said women should lead.(Boston Globe, October 5).

Also, in a frightening article on gender, "Sexes being equalized on the job," in the Boston Globe (September 21), authors Caryl Rivers and Rosalind Barnett write: "The U.S. Army issued an important report a week ago saying that sexual harassment exists at all levels in the service, and promising action to remedy the problems. In the report’s wake came renewed claims that it is unnatural for women to serve in the military, and that only ‘feminist pressures’ have created an integrated fighting force.

"But calls for an end to women in the military will probably fail—and not because of feminism. All across society, women are moving into what once were considered ‘male’ jobs and as they do, gender differences are shrinking.

"It is a consequence of what we call the New Reproductive Paradigm…New reproductive strategies call for curtailing child-bearing, investing more parental energy in fewer offspring, and finding ways to protect the environment…

"As a result, there is less pressure on women to reproduce…. it’s the situation, not the gender, that often shapes behavior…

"Research on steelworkers, executives, and postal employees, among other groups, found few differences between men and women. Studies in such areas as communication, assertiveness, and math and verbal abilities show that small differences are shrinking even further. And as women train their bodies, old ideas of physical limits fall away.

"Now, world class women athletes are closing the gender gap with amazing speed…Olympic skater Bonnie Blair’s time in the 500 meters in 1992 would have beaten all the male winners through 1976. Swimmer Janet Evans’s times in the 1992 Olympics beat the times of Mark Spitz’s gold medal performances decades earlier.

"Today, women hold most of the world records in ultra-long-distance competition. Ultra-mara- thoner Ann Trason won the 24-hour endurance competition, a mixed-gender event in 1990. Women hold the records in open-water swimming, In skeet shooting, a Chinese markswoman posted a perfect score, better than all other male or female competitors. Physicians Brian Whipp and Susan Ward of UCLA predict that women will soon match men in all the Olympic running competitions."

 

Isn’t this shocking?! But even without this information, a brief glance at TV, the movies, the newspapers, and the ads in gals’ magazines gives us a frightening look at how close we are to a complete meltdown, followed by a feminist takeover, after which people of color will shoot white guys down in the streets like dogs.

Here’s just a sampling of how far off things have gotten in the disruption of the chain of command as determined by God (see chart).

(1) Gals are actually making as much as 71 cents to the man’s dollar.

(2) Gals have taken over 9 senators slots and 51 slots in the house.

(3) Gals are actually earning money. According to the Boston Globe, when an upper income man earns $100,000 a year, the first $16,000 is tax free. When his wife’s $30,000 is added on top of his, every dollar of hers is taxed at his highest rate. After taking out for Social Security, state and local taxes, that gal is taking home a whopping $15,000 a year!

(4) Every night on the TV news and every day in the newspaper, only a handful of men are shooting their girlfriends and wives to keep them from doing things that annoy men. A handful is not enough to control these gals.

(5) Gals, who are 51 percent of the population, are the single lead characters of a whopping 17 percent of prime-time series. Of the 36 new shows, as many as four ("Ally McBeal," "Alright Already," "Jenny," "Veronica’s Closet") feature females around whom other characters rotate! Three are comedies, as are all the shows featuring African Americans!

"Jenny" features a Playboy Playmate and deals with such social issues (behind the scenes) as to whether to show cleavage. According to Entertainment Weekly, the "24-year-old pinup who manhandled panting frat boys on MTV’s "Singled Out"..., who built an entire persona around exposing her tongue (and other body parts) to the camera, may be the most marketable centerfold to unstaple herself from Playboy since Marilyn Monroe..."

(6) Gals actually have parts in this season’s movies—as prostitutes, mothers, daughters, wives, cooks, victims, and mindless decorations in short tight skirts and six inch heels! There’s at least one leading lady in there somewhere being dismembered, raped, murdered, or the butt of sexist jokes and innuendo. This rampant feminism cannot be tolerated. Plus any perusal of the movie ads in newspapers shows that there aren’t nearly enough white guy movies. Plus there are way to many movies with black guys in them—at least two or three. Is there no way to stop this feminist/affirmative action onslaught that is making white men have to take back what God promised them almost two centuries ago?!

(7) Something scary is happening to gal magazines, "a totally fresh look at how women in America view themselves," says Lucy Danziger, editor of Conde Nast Sports for Women. "Women feel like they’re in the driver’s seat; they have the ball. We’re not knocking on the door asking to play. We’re not asking for permission anymore. Sports is a great metaphor for all this." The first issue of Sports for Women includes: "Love Among the Bunkers: What Happened When Our Bachelorette Set Out to Bag Mr. Right at a Stop on the PGA Tour?" and "Play Your Way to a Great Body."

Sports Illustrated’s Women/ Sport includes a question and answer column with questions like "Is it OK to have sex before the game?" and articles on "Great Gear for Women." The issue of Sports for Women we looked at had as many as one gal of color athlete among the fashion model-looking white gal athletes with long blond braids! Affirmative action out of control!!!

(8) Gals’ fashion magazines are sending subliminal feminist messages that are causing them to challenge their god-given roles as the weaker vessels. Take the ad for Johnson compact outboard motors pictured here from National Geographic sent to us by a Hotel Satire fan. "Even squaw can carry." My God, these Native American gals are clearly poised for a takeover.

Or take the ad for Warner’s under garments. "There’s a side to every woman that’s very Marilyn." Was there ever a more threatening symbol of feminism than Marilyn Monroe?

Or take the young gal wearing Fetish nail polish #16. "Apply generously to your neck so he can smell the scent as you shake your head "no."

Hey, white guys at football rallies with coach Bill McCartney, promise me you’ll put a stop to this! We have to support any noble white male attempts to return us to life As Cavemen or life During Christ (AC/DC). Here are some important quotes from leading promise keepers, in case you’re wondering what’s on their agenda.

• Tony Evans says in Seven Promises of a Promise Keeper (from the section called "Reclaiming Your Manhood"): "...Sit down with your wife and say something like this: ‘Honey, I’ve made a terrible mistake. I’ve given you my role. I gave up leading this family, and I forced you to take my place. Now I must reclaim that role’...I’m not suggesting you ask for your role back...there can be no compromise here. If you’re going to lead, you must lead....Treat the lady gently and lovingly. But lead!"
• Bill McCartney, Promise Keeper founder, in his book From Ashes to Glory: "I believe we’ve sat idle too long in this country as men abdicated the role of leadership to their wives."
• Re. James Ryle, a Promise Keeper’s advocate, at a secret 1994 conference to plan anti-gay electoral strategies in Colorado: "The crisis of homosexuality...is a cultural revolution, which has poised our nation precariously on the brink of moral chaos..."

After the Promise Keepers Washington rally and after seeing the Defending the Cavemen, the Hotel Satire gals organized our own Oh, Promise Me rally, lead by men. In memory of the cavegals and their God-given gathering skills, hundreds of thousands of us climbed onto buses, driven by men, and headed for the nearest shopping mall.

We marched from store to store in wedding gowns, singing to our guys: "Oh, promise me/If we ever try to be free/to cast aside our domestic slavery/Oh, promise to shoot us in the knee." Then we shopped/ "gathered" while making over 200 promises, covering a wide range of topics. You should have seen the clawing, the pushing, the shoving as we tried to regain our lost femininity at Victoria's Secret, Bradlees, and Neiman Marcus. Here are a few of the things we promised:

(1) We promise to stop trying to be communist lesbians like ex-Playmate Jenny and to do, be, and think whatever the guy wants, whenever he wants it.

(2)  We promise to have dinner ready every night—on time.

(3) We promise to prepare ourselves to greet him when he arrives—to touch up the makeup, be a little gay, a little more interesting but not so interesting that he’ll have to pay attention to us.

(4) We promise to clear away the clutter and run a dust cloth over the tables, so our guys will think they’ve come home to heaven.

(5) We promise to prepare the children, which we’ve birthed at his discretion, by immaculate conception—to wash their faces, comb their hair, change their clothes.

(6) We promise to minimize the noise whenever when he comes home. No washer, dryer, vacuum, no children yelling.

(7) We promise that we won’t greet him at the door with problems or complaints.

(8) We promise to make him comfortable at all times because we are here to serve—a nice chair, a cool drink, a pillow—and we promise to take his shoes off. We promise to speak in low, soft, soothing voices.

(9) We promise to listen to him; to let him talk first.

(10) We promise to make the evening, and the world, his again. <S>Z

For research on the Promise Keepers, contact Political Research Associates, 120 Beacon, Street, Suite 202, Somerville, MA 02143; 617-661-9313. Some of our gal promises came from a 1950s home economics textbook.