Taking Action

Welcome to Hotel Satire, where gals gather to learn to be the passive twits that nature intended them to be. Here at the hotel, we gals worry about what femlesbiangals have been doing to destroy this great country of ours. Especially post September 11, which was, in large part, the fault of gals. Bush II had us worried as well when he said he was bombing and killing Afghan people (including gals and children) in part to liberate the very same Afghan gals. Frankly, we think Afghan gals are models of how all gals should be treated (as virtual slaves) and freeing them would be a huge mistake. 

We also worried because of the rise in popularity of thin-as-a-rail gals who kick ass, and look sexy while doing it—like the gals in Crouching Tiger, Alias, and Tomb Raider. These gals are upsetting the God-given order of things, not to mention our beloved democracy— that is, men kick ass, gals get their asses kicked. 

Then one day we were glancing through the 500 catalogues we received in the mail daily and we happened to notice one from Entertainment Earth. They were selling Action Figures, Toys, and Collectibles. We realized that post 9-11 is about action. Post 9-11 is a reclaiming of masculinity, the very essence of taking action, i.e., bombing civilians, stirring up nuclear showdowns, waging wars, taking revenge, denying people their rights, and so forth. 

The Satire gals realized we needed, in this post 9-11 period, to instill in our kids (and by kids we mean boys) the importance of bombing and killing (a dash of dismembering) as part of their birthright. While Hollywood summer movies do a good job in that department, still more is needed to fight this crouching feminist takeover. What better way to teach boys the action message than to make sure they have plenty of action figures (and accompanying projectile- shaped accessories) to play at shooting, maiming, and dismembering, not to metion treating gals as sex objects/passive twits. 

Let’s be clear, here. Action figures are intended for boys, basically. Otherwise they’d be called dolls and would be primarily available in pink. Let’s take a look at some of the action figures we purchased for our kids, and what lessons they teach. 

For Our Boys 

First, of course, in honor of September 11, we ordered the Search and Rescue Firefighter. We liked the post 9-11 lesson inherent in this warlike (clearly male) firefighter: “You mess with me (or the U.S.) and I will hack you to death.” 

Next we purchased the Star Wars 25th Anniversary 3-Pack, with Obi-Wan Kenobi & Darth Vader’s final duel. This action figure helps teach our boys that black is evil, white is good —something that had been forgotten pre-September 11. Along with the final duel action figures we also purchased the lightsaber. 

This saber, with its spewing, white sperm- like matter will help teach boys the ever-important connection between sperm and shooting weapons of destruction just for the hell of it. 

Then we ordered the SWAT figure set, including: Sniper, Team Commander, Night Operator, Police Officer, Assault Member, and Breacher. This set teaches the necessary division of labor required for searching, seizing, and assaulting, a chain of command that makes up a “team.” It also gets our boys (future CEOs all) used to the idea that they’ll need to have heavy firepower on ready alert so as to invade factories, offices, homes, sports events, even kindergarten classrooms, on the chance that they may be harboring terrorists—if we are to protect our freedoms.