Volume , Number 0
Silja j.a. Talvi
Silja j.a. Talvi
Stephen R. Shalom
Nonviolence Versus Capitalism
There are no articles.Culture
There are no articles.Features
Trajectory of Change
Jan knippers Black
Eleanor J. Bader
There are no articles.
NOTE: Z Magazine subscribers and sustainers have access to all Z Magazine articles here and in the archive. The latest Z Magazine articles available to everyone are listed in the Free Articles box at the top of the table of contents, and are starred in the list below. Questions? e-mail Z Magazine Online.
Welcome to Hotel Satire, where gals gather to learn to be the passive twits that nature intended them to be. Here at the hotel, we gals worry about what femlesbiangals have been doing to destroy this great country of ours. Especially post September 11, which was, in large part, the fault of gals. Bush II had us worried as well when he said he was bombing and killing Afghan people (including gals and children) in part to liberate the very same Afghan gals. Frankly, we think Afghan gals are models of how all gals should be treated (as virtual slaves) and freeing them would be a huge mistake.
We also worried because of the rise in popularity of thin-as-a-rail gals who kick ass, and look sexy while doing itlike the gals in Crouching Tiger, Alias, and Tomb Raider. These gals are upsetting the God-given order of things, not to mention our beloved democracy that is, men kick ass, gals get their asses kicked.
Then one day we were glancing through the 500 catalogues we received in the mail daily and we happened to notice one from Entertainment Earth. They were selling Action Figures, Toys, and Collectibles. We realized that post 9-11 is about action. Post 9-11 is a reclaiming of masculinity, the very essence of taking action, i.e., bombing civilians, stirring up nuclear showdowns, waging wars, taking revenge, denying people their rights, and so forth.
The Satire gals realized we needed, in this post 9-11 period, to instill in our kids (and by kids we mean boys) the importance of bombing and killing (a dash of dismembering) as part of their birthright. While Hollywood summer movies do a good job in that department, still more is needed to fight this crouching feminist takeover. What better way to teach boys the action message than to make sure they have plenty of action figures (and accompanying projectile- shaped accessories) to play at shooting, maiming, and dismembering, not to metion treating gals as sex objects/passive twits.
Lets be clear, here. Action figures are intended for boys, basically. Otherwise theyd be called dolls and would be primarily available in pink. Lets take a look at some of the action figures we purchased for our kids, and what lessons they teach.
For Our Boys
First, of course, in honor of September 11, we ordered the Search and Rescue Firefighter. We liked the post 9-11 lesson inherent in this warlike (clearly male) firefighter: You mess with me (or the U.S.) and I will hack you to death.
Next we purchased the Star Wars 25th Anniversary 3-Pack, with Obi-Wan Kenobi & Darth Vaders final duel. This action figure helps teach our boys that black is evil, white is good something that had been forgotten pre-September 11. Along with the final duel action figures we also purchased the lightsaber.
This saber, with its spewing, white sperm- like matter will help teach boys the ever-important connection between sperm and shooting weapons of destruction just for the hell of it.
Then we ordered the SWAT figure set, including: Sniper, Team Commander, Night Operator, Police Officer, Assault Member, and Breacher. This set teaches the necessary division of labor required for searching, seizing, and assaulting, a chain of command that makes up a team. It also gets our boys (future CEOs all) used to the idea that theyll need to have heavy firepower on ready alert so as to invade factories, offices, homes, sports events, even kindergarten classrooms, on the chance that they may be harboring terroristsif we are to protect our freedoms.
Next we ordered the Platoon series so that we could, yet again, teach that the Vietnam war was a good thing because it featured Charlie Sheen and Tom Berenger looking cool and carrying some very large guns projecting from their crotches.
With the X-Files Action set we wanted to communicate two important messages: (1) that government agencies are cool and caring; (2) that gals, when they are included in action figure sets, should always be half or mostly nude, and ready to service males, whether it be for some light titilation or cooking up some barbecued chicken. This will assist boys in growing up to be the heterosexual warlike individuals that nature intended them to be.
The King of Fighters set of Kyo Kusanagi, et al, is to remind Asian boys that they need to look as Caucasion as possible (but not as strong and manly) if they want their own action figures, and to confirm that gals were put on this earth to look good, while showing cleavage and being ready for the ass kicking they so richly deserve when they step out of line.
The Scult Wave 1 set, including Gung Ho and Destro, Heavy Duty and Claws, Wet Suit and Cobra Moray, Frostbite and Neo-Viper, Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow, and Duke and Cobra Commander can help teach boys that no matter where they are or what they choose to do in life (swim, ski, travel, build things, whatever), there is an outfit and a weapon to go with it.
For Our Girls
As far as our gals go, we ordered the all important Perfect Body doll for our girls. The great thing about this item is that girls can choose their own chest size! This doll helps gals ages 4 to 12 obsess about their bodies and breast sizes and prevents them learning or doing anything of any consequence whatsoever.
The Rojo Piquena figure is the Latin Little Red Riding Hood and lets Latino gals know that (a) at $9.99 Latino gals arent worth that much; (b) being frightened most of the time is a good look for gals, ethnic or otherwise.
Of course, if you can only afford one doll for your little gals, then make it the Cinderella Barbie. The Cinder story is as relevant now as it was thousands of years ago. In todays world, what gal wouldnt dream of one day growing up to find her prince had comein the form of Platoon guys or SWAT guys or New Scupt Wave 1 guys or Star Wars guysand that he brought lots of firepower with him. Z
Lydia Sargent is co- founder and staff of Z Magazine, Z Video, and Z Media Institute.