The Chick Was In the Way

W elcome to Hotel Satire, people…and you gals. Hotel Satire is a place where gals learn to be the domestic appendages they were born to be. 

The hot topic for our husbands this month  has been the U.S. victory against evil and the ever important question: will the war and its aftermath affect our stock investments? 

According to the business magazine Fast Company there is much disagreement about this. The magazine looks at the last four major military conflicts to help us sort out this matter: 

• one year after 1991’s Operation Desert Storm was declared a success the Dow had gone up 13.4 percent (from 2,882.20 to 3,269.50) 
• after “evacuating Saigon” and thereby ending “the country’s presence in Vietnam, the Dow went up 21.0 percent (from 821.30 to 996.90) 
• at the end of the three-year Korean War, the Dow went up 25 percent; after V-E day, it went up 21.3 percent. 

While our husbands pondered the larger question of how death and destruction can help increase profits, the gals at the Hotel have been concerned about the other main question: how will the war affect our role as domestic appen- dages? The trickle down effect of gals actually fighting for their country, leaving their homes and families, trying to become independent actors on the world stage instead of living through their men has already begun.  

How do we know this? Because of Annika Sorenstam, the top gal player on the gals' tour. She was invited to play in a real golf tournament, i.e., on the men’s tour, and she accepted. 

Now, if she had accepted in order to find a nice golfing husband for herself, that would be okay, although somewhat improper. If she was there to sell shampoo or diet drugs or makeup and was going to wear a perky outfit, while showing tasteful cleavage and bumbling around the golf course murmuring inanities, that would be okay too. But she’s not. She’s playing with the men “TO TEST HERSELF.” 

Can you believe it? This gal is more threatening to civilization than Saddam (first names only, please, for evil people). 

Some of the men have bravely spoken out against this dreadful turn of events—Annika would be the first woman to play on the men’s tour since 1945. Said Vijah Singh, winner of two tournaments, “I hope she misses the cut. Why? She doesn’t belong out here. If I’m drawn with her, which I won’t be, I won’t play. What is she going to prove by playing? It’s ridiculous…. She’s taking a spot from someone in the field.” 

Well, kudos to Vijay. But he misses the point. It’s not about whether she belongs or what she proves or whether she could beat some of the men (gals have been trained, since forever, to never beat a guy at anything, even Patchesi), it’s about whether this is proper galness—as determined by the gender assignments, locked in thousands of years ago on the grasslands of Africa, and reaffirmed in the Bible, as interpreted by those close to God, i.e., George Bush, and company. 

The Satire gals have written Annika a terse letter to that effect, saying, “Annika, honey, stop it. You are a gal. There can be no swinging a club at a ball while men are in the vicinity—or at any other time, for that matter. Unless it is to pass the time with golfing gal- friends, while waiting for your man to return for servicing. In that case, always discuss shopping, feminine hygiene, how best to service the males in your life, including the pet gerbil. 

“Also, Annika, there can be no TESTING YOURSELF. Gals were put on this earth as decorative amusement parks for the male of the species.  Get yourself a makeover and take the Hotel Satire course in how to lie around on a beach towel, ready to serve the barbecued chicken and potato salad or applaud your man's efforts on the golf course.” 

It is because of this harpy gal, Annika, that the Satire gals have issued their own version of the Patriot Act—known affectionately at Hotel Satire as the Going Hitler One Better Act (GHOBA). It was inspired by an incident during Operation Free The Iraqi’s From Our Former Ally, Saddam & Restore Democracy By Making It a U.S. Possession. 

According to a March 29 New York Times article by Dexter Filkins (“Either Take a Shot Or Take a Chance”), a U.S. sergeant accidently killed a civilian woman who was standing near an Iraqi soldier. The U.S. soldier apologized for killing the woman, saying, “I’m sorry, but the chick was in the way.” 

Excuse us for a moment. Just typing that word “chick” makes us misty eyed. There's nothing like being reduced to a domestic farm animal to stir a gal's patriotic feelings. Not to mention the heroism of the soldier doing what all men have been contemplating since the advent of the dreaded “women’s movement;” that is, any chick who gets in the way of a man's right to kill and maim— or whatever—is TOAST. 

The gals at the Satire Hotel feel that “the chick was in the way” statement pretty much defines what’s been wrong in the world for a long time now. That’s why we've created the Chick Was In The Way Act (CWIWA; pronounced chihuahua). This act defines the essence of galness, as mentioned above, and declares that all incidents of chicks being in the way will be punishable by fine or imprisonment without due process, depending on the severity of the infringement. Annika, for instance, would get life (or longer) without parole. Plus a lifetime supply of cosmetics so she can look good, not to mention feminine, while serving time. For those of you who are confused about how to avoid being in the way, we provide examples. First, as pictured here, any gal who, in the midst of a SARS epidemic, still concerns herself with makeup issues, including how to apply rouge around the SARS mask, is the height of chickism. Gals, no matter how bad it gets, make sure your eyebrows are drawn correctly. 

The gal (pictured here as well) who bravely dons a wedding dress in the midst of war, to happily skip to her wedding through the wreak- age, seemingly unconcerned about having no electricity, no apartment, and no water, is the very essence of chickness. Annika could learn a lesson or three from this gal. Instead of TESTING HERSELF, she should be ATTACHING HERSELF (true, Annika's got a husband, but no matter). 

As far as gals being in the military, the rule here is the same as it is for golf: there can be no gals waving guns around in the midst of large groups of men, much less bombing and strafing. Military chicks may help men do the fighting by being secretaries or nurses or by whipping up the meat loaf and mashed potatoes, while posing with breasts popping out. 

According to Fast Company magazine, the U.S. soldiers stationed in the Middle East will be receiving 15,000 free copies of “lads magazines” from Dennis Publishing. Also Time Inc is sending copies of Sports Illustrat ed (swimsuit issue, for sure), and Playboy says it’s “offering servicemen [not service-gals, please note] an email address where they can sign up to receive (non-nude) pictures and messages from Playmates.” 

Isn’t that beautiful? We're feeling patriotic again at the thought of our troops (men only, please) killing while getting off on gals’ accoutrements, something that helps them be better soldiers, as we all know. 

Another lesson for those confused about whether they may be violating CWIWA can be found in the continuing debate over the role of “First Ladies” and “Politicians’ Wives.” A recent New York Times article, “Speaking Her Mind, Using Her Checkbook,” discusses Teresa Heinz Kerry—wife of presidential candidate John Kerry—and whether she will help his campaign (as in Pat Nixon) or hurt his campaign (as in Hillary Clinton). Teresa was asked her opinion of Richard M. Nixon’s statement in 1992, referring to Hillary, “If the wife comes through as being too strong and too intelligent, it makes the husband look like a wimp,” Ms. Kerry fired back (egad, spontaneously), “Well, we all know Richard Nixon wasn’t too much in contact with how women should be.” Since this incident, according to the article, Teresa has been kept under close watch, with aides monitoring her interviews, lest she dare to speak her mind again.  But, under the Chick Act, she would be in jail, where she could learn how to obsess about her weight and her crotch odor, as is proper for gals/chicks. Speaking one’s mind and using one’s checkbook are prime examples of gals being in the way and are categorized as felonies (not to mention unpatriotic); in fact, just thinking about doing those two things is punishable by death or, better yet, a boatload of cosmetics delivered to her prison cell, along with a personal trainer to teach her how to be the selfless passive twit that gals are, by nature, born to be. 

For those of you concerned about the recent spate of gals in action movies who appear to be participating—rather than standing around helplessly screaming, as the hero pummels the bad guy—should take heart. As long as gals look sexy while pummeling, they will not be slapped with a fine or prison term. Witness the Charlie’s Angels as they straddle car engines and hose each other down. These gals are clearly not in the way, they’re just being sexy soufflés ready to be served up and consumed by men. 

Another fine example, in the quest for proper chickivity, can be found in a recent incident (reported in the Boston Globe , May 14) of a dedicated “baseball” mom who beat up and bloodied an 11- year-old kid because he cheered for the opposing team at her son’s baseball game. Under CWIWA, not only would this mom-gal get an award for her ability to live selflessly through the male of the species, she would be put in charge of adminstering CWIWA. Why waste precious resources with long prison sentences, and other punishments, when you can beat gals senseless (or shoot them) as the violations are happening? Then, like our brave American soldier, we can murmur, “Sorry, but the chick was in the way.”