By Arshad M Khan at Dec 12, 2011
News Item: Newt Gingrich soars past Mitt Romney in Republican polls after Herman Cain suspends campaign.
Yes, I am a Newt, dinosaurian in thought, meteoric in rise -- as in climbing walls, or making others do so after what I say -- and precipitous in fall -- as in falling off the ceiling.
When I am floating along on a ceiling, the whole world is upside down. It is a refreshingly original view, as is my thinking. So my lucrative firm performs the noblest of tasks: education and introductions to enhance fellow feeling and forge mutually beneficial relationships. Just because it earns $55 million, the do-nothing snipers of the press snicker and call it a lobbying firm. I decry lobbyists; I am not one of them. I am an education animal.
I am the first newt in lizard family history to earn a PhD ... in history -- a history PhD making history, that's me. And I will be President. This country deserves a newt. We have a pedigree going back longer than any human, and we can perform tasks no human can even attempt. Plus, I sleep a lot. This country does much better under a somnambulist President -- remember Eisenhower! The pro-actives get us in trouble. Elect me and we will all achieve nirvana.
Sometimes I wonder how we can all be reincarnated as newts ... a nuclear war? ... Hmm!