Vaginas Don't Come With Suction

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Welcome to Hotel Satire, a place where gals come from all over the U.S. to take intensive classes and beauty treatments designed to teach gals how to be the pretty little passive twits-things that nature intended them to be.

Recently, we gals received some interesting and shocking information about violence. No, it’s not

about the perpetrators of the September 11 attack(clearly, that was Saddam —we don’t know why, it just was). It’s not about the Maryland/Washington sniper (clearly, that’s going to turn out to be Saddam, as well). No, it’s not the situation in the Middle East, India/Pakistan, or our beloved George Bush II’s intention to bomb and strafe willy nilly—thanfully, not ruling out nukes (Saddam has made it necessary; he is everywhere, even lurking near Hotel S.).

If it’s not the above, then what is this shocking news about violence, you ask? Well, hold on to your panty hose and apricot scrub, Gals, because the news is that women are more violent than men!!!

Yes, according to a new report/ebook from Harbinger Press titled Women Are More Violent Than Men by K.C. Wilson, selective reporting, exaggeration, and media irresponsibility has mislead us about the truth re gals’ current rage.

Take for instance the statistic that “every 15 seconds a woman is battered by her mate in America.” Well, according to K.C. Wilson, feminists and others are using battering to include shoving and making it sound as though women were getting a thorough beating up. But only a very small percentage of these so-called batterings involve repeated blows! Plus, says Wilson, if we used the same questionable math regarding violence to men, we’d find that women batter their mates every 14 seconds (which is less than 15,  but no matter).

Now, Wilson—using various studies and so many statistics we are dizzy and could care less about them—is able to show that if we count all kinds of things, including no-physical “violence” such as lying, threatening, manipulation, intimidation, telling secrets, shaming, teasing, name-calling, accidentally bumping into, ostracism, alliance building, flaunting, and carrying a grudge—all of which form what he calls “female pathology”—then gals are way more violent and controlling than men. “Among all relationships, women initiate severe violence two to three times more often than men.”

• Female high school students are four times more likely to be the sole abuser in a relationship (5.7 percent to 1.4 percent
• female college students commit far more physical violence than male students…
• women are 70 percent more likely to use a weapon…
• the population at greater risk from severe partner assault and murder is black males
• lesbian relationships are twice as prone to physical aggression as heterosexual ones and more violent than gay male relationships

Why, you ask, do we hear so much more about male violence against women? Wilson says it’s because no one looks carefully at the studies, which actually report the opposite. The research shows that what women lack in physical strength, they more than make up for with stealth and weapons. “Where a man uses his fists, a woman sneaks up with a frypan.”

If you’re wondering how researchers can collect information on frypan, not to mention flaunting and lesbian, bashing, especially since, as Wilson states, men don’t report being “assaulted,” do not concern yourselves. As surely as Saddam has weapons of mass destruction, so too do gals, according to Wilson— who by the way is a reclusive social scientist living in Toronto, Canada with his cat and he and members of his family have been through divorce so he is reliable, for sure. Plus, Gals, our big weapon of destruction has been, until now anyway, feminists! Yes, femgals have distorted and lied about the truth, making them a greater threat than Saddam (although he may be involved in this feminist lie like everything else he is responsible for). Take rape. It’s the only crime with more female victims than male, says Wilson (except if you include prison rape, then the majority is male victims). “But as doctors pointed out to me, the only reason women don’t rape is, they can’t. Vaginas don’t come with suction.”

Oh my, is this incredible?! But there’s more. “Given that women are the sexual predator,” says Wilson, “…one wonders if female rape is not already under-reported.” Female rape, it seems, is defined as “women willing to force themselves and their point physically.” So the evidence suggests that women might rape more than men—if they could rape —more than they do. If you’re finding this somewhat strange and contradictory, you’re wrong.

So why the feminsmo myths about violence? Well, says Wilson, “when there is fear, it’s easy to ride.” Just as Joe McCarthy and George Wallace discovered they had talent as demogogs (and a fearful public was willing to go along), feminism was looking for their “killer app”—the issue that would force people’s attention to them and all they demanded. So they used gals’ fear and jealousy of men as their way of spreading their own demogogery through anti-menism.

See, for 150,000 years men have always protected gals from hardship, danger, rape, etc.; and gals have appreciated it. Gals were never afraid of men until now. Now, in advocating for no gender roles in today’s society, the gal role has been annihilated and therefore gals see male attributes less as comfort and complement and more as challenge and threat. (Wait, so what he’s saying is that when there was a need for protection, gals weren’t afraid, but now that there isn’t, gals are? This is so deep.) Wilson says there “is the inevitable competitiveness generated by a loss of formal gender roles.”

He goes on: “We are all familiar with the current, required version of history: women have always been exploited and oppressed by men. All history must be seen in these terms, just as the old Soviet Union rewrote it in terms of class struggle.” Wilson believes, after much study of history, that there has never been a women’s movement or revolution until now. His conclusion: “women have never been oppressed. The meaning and significance of being a woman was gutted over the first half of the 1900s.” (If gals were never oppressed, why did they need men to protect them for 150,000 years, you may ask? Wilson doesn’t say, but who cares. Just asking that question makes you borderline pathological.)

True, in the 1970s women were feeling oppressed by some unseen thing, admits Wilson. But that unseen thing was industrialization and what it did to the female role. Feminists needed a scapegoat for this feeling of irrelevance and that scapegoat was the myth of men as oppressors. Next they needed proof of this mythical male oppression. Using lies about phantom wage-gaps and glass ceilings, being ignored in health care, domestic violence statistics, they built a feminist movement. They couldn’t say, “Gee, I miss that old female gender role. Let’s see if we can get it back.” So they tried to be like men, since being a gal seemed a disadvantage. But it was all founded on envy and jealousy of others.

But, says Wilson, “there has never been anything wrong or oppressive about gender roles. They give each member of society an assured place, come what may, rooted in their very biology.” Wilson doesn’t mention it, but we Hotel Satire gals were relieved and happy to see the gals as property with no rights whatsoever myth being dispelled and explained as gals being protected by men.

Wilson’s solution to this “mess” is to restore gender balance. Women must stop being afraid. They must take their appropriate place in today’s society without feeling they must beat up others to get it.

It is impossible for there to be no conventional gender roles, he says, because our brains are wired differently. We have proof of this in the way boys behave and in the fact that gals populate family law, care-giving professions, human resources, and the media. So gals must accept their new gender role, which is the old gender role, but less rigid. Finally, there must be increased masculinity in the home and society from which it’s been banished by industrialization (and subsequent feminist lies) for almost 300 years.

This book is a must read. It will certainly help our Hotel Satire classes, where we teach gals to be domestic appendages and passive twits, but with some flexibility to occasionally speak a sentence or make a decision in the area of family law and such. As for the fear factor and the pervasive feminist pathology of envy, as well as denial about where the real violence in our society rests, we feel an important first step would be for all gals to support the upcoming war on Iraq by wearing the new patriotic navel ring designed by Playboy and pictured here.

Nothing says traditional female role like treating gals as decoration and willing sexual playthings. It’s not oppression, it’s just being a gal and having a vagina that doesn’t come with suction.

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Lydia Sargent is on the staff of Z Magazine. Thanks to Megan Miller and Alexis Powell for the Playboy Navel ring advertisement from the Lawrence World Journal.